Sometimes It’s About What You Gain

I recently finished up my third year at my gym, Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB). Probably the most common question I get is, “Is it still working for you?”

It’s an understandable question, but it’s one I’m not really sure how to answer. Not because I don’t know, but because my answer most likely doesn’t match up with what the person asking had in mind. It’s a gym that advertises in extreme body makeovers. I’m clearly overweight. Logically, people want to know if the program is helping me shed my many unwanted pounds.

Here’s the thing—my answer has nothing to do with pounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I signed up for this program with visions of being ten sizes smaller dancing in my head. I knew I wouldn’t get there in the first 10-week session, but maybe by the end of a full year. Certainly by the end of three years.  But something happened along the way.

I learned I had no clue what I really needed.

I thought I had to lose weight, but what I needed was to get healthy.

I thought I had to eat better, but what I needed was to establish a healthy relationship with food.

I thought I had to be smaller to be an athlete, but what I needed to learn was that I’m already an athlete.

I thought I needed to stop failing, but what I needed was to stop looking for failure.

In nutrition terms, I no longer look at food as my enemy. I don’t analyze every piece of food I put in my mouth. I don’t beat myself up if I eat something that isn’t on the ‘healthy’ side of the food logs. I do still have a tendency to hide some of the things I eat, but I’m working on it. I realized I started hiding what I ate back in my teens, and 30 years of a bad habit is really hard to break.

In physical terms, I now make working out a high priority in my daily schedule. Even above sleep most days (but that’s a topic for a different post). In 2017, I logged the 6th highest number of classes at my gym. Six days a week I’m on that mat, giving my Level 10 best. Another gain for me has been my mindset on how I look at my workouts. My Level 10 may not be the same as others. At the start of this journey, I felt like I was too slow. That my weight was holding me back from giving a higher Level 10. But now I see it differently. I might not get up off the mat as fast as others, but I’m pounding out the same grueling workout as some people who are literally half my size. Think about that. Imagine doing your workout with someone holding on to your back. That’s me. And I’m doing it like a boss.

Do I still want to lose some weight? Absolutely. But I no longer want to lose that weight because I think it’s what I need to be healthy or happy. A while back I posted some reasons I wanted to lose weight. Those are still valid. And it would also be nice because I’m sure my knee would be much happier if it had less weight to support.

So if you want to ask me how the program is working, be prepared to hear an unconventional answer. Because yes, this program continues to not only work for me but surpass my expectations. Not in terms of pounds lost, but in how much I’ve gained—both physically and emotionally. Oh, and in terms of family. I’ve gained so much family.

It’s the start of the year and many people make resolutions to ‘get healthy’ when what they really mean is ‘lose weight’. I challenge you to open your mind to a more broad definition. Get healthy, but don’t just focus on what you want to lose. Look at what you can gain as well because, unfortunately, despite our best efforts there are times when that scale won’t budge. Or it goes in the opposite direction. And then you’re left feeling like it failed, or you failed. But if you look at a bigger picture, you might find you were aiming at the wrong target from the start and you succeeded just fine.

~ Carrie

Breaking Binge: Phase 2

One year ago tomorrow I took a leap on my Operation Breaking Binge journey—and I haven’t binged since!

[moment of pause to jump around and do my happy dance]

I’ll admit the last 12 months haven’t been a walk in the park. I still have cravings, and I have still eaten things outside of my Fun Day that I’d put in my ‘bad’ category. Every time I start to get down on myself for these slight stumbles, I force myself to remember what I was eating prior to February 25, 2016. Those binges were epic and had me in tears. The guilt and shame following were astronomical. I force myself to think back to all the hard work I’ve done this past year, and I remind myself that progress does not mean perfection.

My biggest struggle now is moving on with my nutrition. While I maintain that my journey is not about losing weight, the reality is that I really should lose weight. I’m carrying around a lot of pounds and my body is getting older (i.e. tired). And I think my knee would be happier if I gave it a bit of a break. I had found a no-binging eating pattern that allowed me to maintain my weight for most of the past 12 months. The downside is I became afraid to change anything. I was afraid I might start binging again if I did. The things I’ve been eating have kept me satisfied. Don’t fix what’s not broke, right? And my biggest broken part was the binging, not my weight.

I was sick pretty much November thru January, and I gained a bit of weight due to missing workouts and the medication I was put on. My eating still hasn’t changed, so here I sit at a weight I thought I had told to kiss-off for the last time.

I’ve decided that since I seem to be embedded in superstition on this journey, I’m going to work it to my advantage. On February 25, 2016 I took steps that have led me to a full-year of amazing success. So, tomorrow, February 25, 2017, is the day I embark on Phase 2 of Operation Breaking Binge.

What’s Phase 2, you ask? Well, it looks a bit like this:

Pretty clear, right?

I do know my Phase 2 will focus on nutrition, which has never been my strength. I have excuses out the wazzoo (I don’t like to cook, I have BIG issues with chicken, I don’t like a lot of meat, I don’t—I don’t—I don’t . . .) I know what I ‘should’ eat, but the issue is sticking to it. I haven’t mentioned it much, but a big part of getting this far in Breaking Binge were my sessions with Health Coach Lynn Killips on a process called Immunity to Change. I learned so much about myself and why I eat the way I do thorough this process. But I have to say the most profound thing I learned was when Lynn asked me one very basic question. We were discussing my tendency to place all food into two categories: good or bad. She asked who said these foods were good or bad. I told her it was based on my knowledge of nutrition, which I’ve learned over all my years of trying to get healthy and the various programs I’ve tried.

Then came Lynn’s ground-shaking question:

“How long have you been following these plans?”

As I added up the years, I realized I had been trying to follow one plan or another for about 20 years. And then the true magic of the question hit me—that’s 20 years with no sustainable success (key word being sustainable).

That’s a Long. Damn. Time.

I should point out I’m not condemning nutrition plans/programs. In fact, I have learned so much about not only nutrition, but also about my eating struggles through these various plans. But there’s a reason why some find success through Weight Watchers, and some find it in Jenny Craig. Others only see progress with Paleo, and then there are those who only find happiness with the Beachbody program. And, of course, there are those like me who have fallen in love with the way Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB) has transformed their lives along with their bodies.

The point is that no one person is the same. Plans and programs are great, and often times essential. However, my downfall was that somewhere along the way I started looking at it as being told what I had to do, and if I didn’t do it then I failed. And I think you all know how I feel about failure. I’ve been looking at this as though I have been the one failing for the last 20 years. I wasn’t sticking to plan. I must not have been trying hard enough. Look at all those who did have success—it must be me!

It took Lynn to open my eyes for me to wonder if maybe my lack of sustainable success was due to the fact that I’ve been trying to follow someone else’s plan that doesn’t fit my specific needs. She then pointed out that for months I had been following my own nutrition plan, and while I wasn’t losing weight, I wasn’t gaining it and I wasn’t binging.

I (reluctantly) admit I’m a stubborn person. I think deep down I don’t like people telling me what to do. And I really don’t like failing to meet expectations. It seems pretty clear to me now what I have to change.

The plan is for me to use my nutrition knowledge to build a custom plan that fits my specific needs. One that I can adjust when necessary if I feel an urge to binge sneak up on me. Out of all the programs I’ve been through, I still believe the FXB program is the most right for me.

So wish me luck as I jump in and try to define that elusive Phase 2 within Operation Breaking Binge!

~ Carrie

Just Eat the Duds

I recognize I haven’t written about my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) since the start of September. I had promised a regular series called ‘Breaking Binge’ to help you all understand my BED a bit better. My intention had been to post a topic once a month; however, I’ve struggled to keep that pace. Partly because I’m not really sure where to start. The logical part of my brain wants there to be this clear linear progression from point A to point B where I can take you through my journey in a streamlined order. I quickly learned that’s not how this is going to work.

The other reason is pretty simple—it’s still difficult for me to open up about this stuff.

Well, I’ve never let a challenge keep me down for long. It’s time to take a deep breath and dive in.

If you don’t suffer from BED, or know anyone who does, it can be difficult to understand. There are lots of great sites available to explain the symptoms of BED (here’s a good one), but what is it really like? I’ve decided for this series I will select one of the symptoms from the list and take you inside the mind of a binger. My hope is to let those who do suffer know they are not alone while helping those who don’t suffer from it understand why this disorder is so emotionally draining.

Today I’ve selected one of the symptoms I struggle with the most:

• Feelings of extreme guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or how I eat

My Weight

It has taken me a very long time to overcome some of the embarrassment and shame I carry with me about my weight. Being overweight is a difficult vice to have. I can’t hide it from others. It’s there every day, front and center, for anyone to judge. I’ve had hurtful comments said to me and behind my back. I’ve seen the memes people share and like on social media (like the one telling the fat person to stop using the handicap space and just and park at the back of the lot and do jumping jacks on the way in). I’ve had innocent kids ask me, “Why are your arms so big?” It takes a lot to just smile and respond with, “Because I’m so strong.” You don’t have to look far to realize society doesn’t like fat people. We are judged and we are determined to be less than our worth. We are assumed to be lazy and selfish. Why would I not be ashamed of being overweight?

Here’s an example of how embarrassment rules my life at times. A couple years ago I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee with some friends for a fun weekend. The girls decided they wanted to go on his mountainside roller coaster. I got in line with them, but then my chest started to constrict. I felt as though I couldn’t pull in a full lung’s worth of air. My palms started to sweat. It wasn’t because I was scared of the ride. It was because I was scared I wouldn’t fit in the seat. I imagined all the looks of pity and disgust from the other people still in line that would be thrown my way if I tried to get in but didn’t fit. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face that possible embarrassment. Then I was mad at myself for letting my weight hold me back. I cried back at the cabin, but lucky I had been surrounded by amazing friends who helped me let it go—at least for the night.

This panic seizes me often. Squeezing through tight spaces. Turnstiles. Airplane seats. Stadium seating. Movie theater chairs. Really, the thought of having to fit into any kind of chair that contains side arms sends my heart into rapid palpitations.

I’m getting better. The voice that tells me to try is starting to become louder and stronger than the voice that tells me to run. And if I don’t quite fit, I try really hard to not feel ashamed.

What I Eat

The feeling of shame or guilt around what I eat is proving very difficult to overcome. I have this constant list in my head and every food item falls to either the left or the right—good or bad. I stress over it every time I eat. I’ll do a post at some point in the future about my ‘good or bad’ food obsession, but here I want to focus on the feelings of guilt and shame that come with those choices.

Back in May, we drove down to my dad’s house in Louisiana. We wanted to shorten our very long drive as much as possible, so we packed the car with loads of healthy snacks. On the drive back home, I was tired of the same old foods. I wanted something different, so I headed into the convenience store on one of our stops. I’m not exaggerating when I say I took at least 15 minutes, wandering through the store, trying to figure out what I should get. The things I really wanted fell on my ‘bad’ list and I usually would never eat them in front of other people. I stood agonizing in front of the bags of Chex mix when my husband walked over. He looked over my shoulder and said, “Huh, I didn’t know they still made Bugles.” He then snatched a bag and walked off.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to stomp my food and ask why it was so easy for him to just grab that bag of Bugles. Sure, he maybe had a fleeting thought about if they were healthy or not, but the bottom line is he didn’t have to spend 15 minutes agonizing over his decision. And I’m quite certain he didn’t feel guilty about it the entire time he ate them (as I did with my bag of Chex mix). His food choice probably left his mind by the next day. I’m still thinking about it 5 months later.

Another incident happened a couple months ago when I went to the movies. I was on my own, which is fine. I actually don’t mind going to the movies by myself once in a while. It’s good for me to take myself on a date occasionally. Anyway, it was fun day, which meant I didn’t have to feel the guilt of what I would eat. My biggest struggle was if I wanted to eat popcorn or candy. I settled on candy and stopped by the gas station on the way so I didn’t have to play an arm and a leg for a box of Milk Duds. I entered the theater and looked for a seat. I sat down with 3 open chairs to my right and 2 to my left. Two people came in and sat to my right, still leaving one open seat on that side. I was happy—I’m a big girl and movie theater chairs are not always nice to large people. I don’t like feeling as though I need to fold into myself the entire time so I don’t brush shoulders with strangers.

As the lights dimmed, I opened my purse to get my Duds. Before I could pop open the box, a couple sat down in the two empty seats to my left. I froze. I seriously could not eat those damn Milk Duds. I felt the lady next to me would be thinking, “She doesn’t need to eat those. Doesn’t she have any self-control?” It took all my remaining strength to focus on the movie and not the fact that I couldn’t eat my box of Milk Duds just because someone sat down next to me. You see, it’s not a coincidence I waited until the lights dimmed to reach for the box in the first place. I wanted the cover of darkness to hide the fact that I was eating something ‘bad’. But someone sitting right next to me would be able to see, even in the darkness. In my mind, I would be judged. I felt ashamed. I felt I had no right to eat those Duds because I was already too large to be ‘acceptable’.

I analyzed the situation the entire way home while eating my Milk Duds in the privacy of my own car. I had worked hard at the gym all week. I hadn’t binged. I had ‘earned’ that treat, but once again I let my guilt and shame take control of the situation. I allowed myself to believe something that may or may not have been true. I allowed myself to care more about what someone else might think of me rather than what I thought of myself.

I’ve been working really hard at trying to establish a more healthy relationship with food. I know that in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle I need to eat healthy foods. As a result, I will always have to consider the nutritional value of food and whether or not I should eat it. But my hope is that I can get to a point where I don't obsess over it. I need to be able to let go of the guilt and shame. I need to move from “I’m a bad person for eating this.” to “Eating this won’t help me make my goal, so if I do eat it then I need to compensate in another way.”

I have a lot of weight I’d like to lose, but I know the largest weight I carry is from guilt and shame. That has to go first. Then it will be easier for me to focus on the physical pounds I want to shed.

Last night my daughter went through her Halloween candy. She pulled out a small box of Milk Duds and handed it to me. I thought about eating them but put the box down to save for my next fun day. I’d like to say I was making a ‘good’ choice, but the honesty is that I had already had a few small pieces of candy (in private) and I didn’t want to eat them in front anyone. It wasn’t fun day and I technically wasn’t allowed to eat them. A minute or so later, my daughter handed me the box again—opened.

I took it as a sign and I ate the Duds.

~ Carrie

Operation Breaking Binge: Accepting my Journey

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, then you know I have finally accepted that I have Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and that it will always be a factor in my life. However, accepting the existence of something in my life does not mean I have to accept its control over my life.

I had to find a way to control it. Things were really bad for me at the end of 2015 and the start of 2016. I was binging, on average, every three days. I was miserable—physically and emotionally. My number one priority this year has been finding a way to control my binges, and so I started ‘Operation Breaking Binge’.

Back in March, I posted Operation Breaking Binge: Just the beginning. I told you a little about what it was like to experience one of my cravings. Then I told you how I stumbled across a Pinterest article about curbing sugar cravings (or I should say the article found me because I do believe in such things). I took a break from the blog to focus on controlling those binges, primarily because opening up about something so personal turned out to be a big trigger for my binges.

I think I am finally ready to jump back in and start sharing. I’ve realized that part of the reason I’ve been given this journey is because I need to share my story. I know others have found solace in my words, knowing they were not alone. Others have found inspiration to face their own monster. Others have found a way to better understand someone in their life who suffers from similar challenges.

And I’ve learned that I can’t go through this journey alone.

It’s been almost two years exactly since I had my orientation at Farrel’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB) and started blogging about my journey. Do you remember the title of my very first post? If not, that’s okay. It was:

It’s not about losing weight.

In that post, I talked about how my journey was about learning to love myself no matter what. It was learning to stop defining myself based on my weight. I had made huge progress toward that mindset in the year before I joined FXB, and in the two years since I have only grown stronger in that mindset.

However, what I couldn’t accept two years ago was that my statement “it’s not about losing weight” also encompassed my BED. While I had been able to start separating my weight from my personal worth, I had not considered that I had to separate it from my eating habits as well. I fully believed that if I found a nutrition program I could stick with, then I would lose weight and my binging would just ‘go away.’

I often have people ask me, “Is the program still working for you?” In most cases, I know the real question is, “Are you still losing weight?” Yet, I refuse to answer with pounds lost. Yes, I am losing weight. Yes, I hope to lose more weight because I know that is what is healthy for my body. And, yes, I will soon be posting about the weight loss part of my journey. But weight loss is not what is most important for me at this point in time.

As I stated back in my very first post, what’s important is loving myself no matter what the scale says. After two years at FXB, I can now say what is also important is to not base my worth/success on what I put in my mouth.

I’m still a work in progress. An example is something that happened to me just now while writing this post. You see, I have this bracelet I wear.

I purchased the locket and charms from Origami Owl and made the beaded strands. I’m a visual person, so a long time ago I decided to make this bracelet as a reminder of my progress. The charms signify aspects of my journey: continuous change (infinity symbol) and ultimate transformation (butterfly). The third charm was because I thought it needed some color :) The beaded strands represent pounds lost. One strand for every ten pounds.

I had first made this bracelet before I joined FXB. I had lost about 50 lbs on a different program, only to gain it all back quickly. When I joined FXB, I removed all the strands and started over. I’m now up to four strands (I’ll let you do the math...).

As I sat here typing out the words above about weight not being my primary focus, I looked at my bracelet. I realized it was unintentionally keeping me tethered to weight as my primary success metric. I LOVE adding a new strand to this bracelet. I love wearing it because it reminds me how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. But I just realized the strands should not represent pounds lost. It should represent months of no binging.

It’s time to add two more strands.

So, back to that question above: Is the program still working for me? More than I ever could have hoped.

~Carrie

Just Like Riding a Bike

You’ve all probably heard the phrase, “It’s just like riding a bike.” You may have even said it yourself once or twice. The basic idea behind this idiom is that once you know how to ride a bike, you won’t forget. Even if it’s been years since you last rode a bike, it’s OK—just get back on and have a go. You’ll remember!

As a kid, I loved riding my bike. We had this ‘huge’ hill in our road that was nearly impossible to pedal up, but the ride down was worth it! I take off on my pink and gray Huffy 10-Speed and stay out until my legs couldn’t take any more.

I swear this hill was bigger when I was a kid...

Not my actual bike, but this is what it looked like.

As I got older, my bike riding days became less and less. I wasn’t even a big fan of the stationary bike at the gym. Then back in 2001 I started training for a sprint triathlon and needed to go and get myself a new bike. Even though it had been a few years, I quickly got back into the swing of things. Except for the whole switching gears part. I never did master that well.

I continued to ride after the triathlon, although not on a regular basis. But when I did, I usually put in a good 10-12 miles. And then I gained a whole bunch of weight. I think it’s been at least seven years since I’ve been on my bike. I wasn’t worried that I forgot how to ride, I was worried that I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I told myself:

• I’m too overweight
• I’m too out of shape
• My balance isn’t good enough
• I’d fall and get hurt
• I’d look ridiculous
• I might break my bike

It’s hard to admit to thinking that last one, but I did. When you are as overweight as I have been, unfortunately it is a common thought. Weight limits come to mind and how embarrassing would that be if I tried to ride my bike and bent the wheels? I seriously had visions of either breaking my bike or falling within 10 yards and breaking a bone.

It was best easiest to just avoid it all together.

Then my daughter started asking about going on a bike ride together. I could tell she really wanted someone to ride with her. I just couldn’t bring myself to try, and it was hard to push the shame and guilt away. Luckily for her, my husband jumped on my bike and off they went on rides to the park, to lunch, or nowhere in particular.

And I remained home, wishing I could just get a bit more in shape so I could ride with them.

I’ve been working out hard at FXB for over a year, and it’s been bugging me more and more. I’d pull in the garage and see it hanging there, right in front of where I park, and think, “Soon. I’ll try again soon.” But we all know ‘soon’ is really code for ‘I have no idea when, but it won’t be any time in the near future’.

This morning at the gym I was talking to a couple of my gymmates about self-imposed limits and having the confidence and determination to get past them. During the conversation the image of my bike hanging on the wall came to mind. I told them about it and they both told me to just do it. To get on the bike and ride.

On the way home I decided I was going to do it. I stopped for gas and cat food, giving myself plenty of time to work up the courage. I pulled in the garage and looked at my bike. I took a deep breath and walked right up to it. I aired up the tires and rolled it to the middle of the garage. My heart was beating so fast I might as well have been back in the holding corral of the triathlon. Just as I started to get on, I heard a neighbor rolling in their trash cans. My thought, “Crap. I don’t want anyone to see me do this.” I still had strong images of lying at the end of my driveway, in a pile of my own blood and pebbles embedded into my knees (the joys of the vivid imagination of an author). I also still believed that I’d look ridiculously large on the small frame of my bike and I didn’t want to think of anyone looking at me and feeling the urge to laugh.

Then I reminded myself of the conversation I had this morning and decided I needed to do it. I couldn’t just talk the talk, I had to walk the walk—or bike the bike . . .

I took a deep breath and for an instant I actually thought I wouldn’t be able to get my leg over the seat/frame to straddle the bike. Then I told myself to stop being stupid—I’m in my second year of FXB. Of course I can get my leg up and over the bike. And so I did.

And then I rode. And I did not fall. I passed a lady walking her dog, and I didn’t even think about whether or not I looked ridiculous. I was just so happy I was actually riding my bike. I only rode through my neighborhood, about 0.5 miles, since it was my first time back on and the bike could really use a tune up (and let’s be real, it was also because I had just come from lower body day).

Now I’m determined to get back on and ride farther. Not soon—this week. My daughter is getting a new bike this year, so that’s when mine will go in for a tune-up. I’m determined to be ready for long family bike rides this summer. Looks like I know what we’ll be getting Daddy for Father’s Day this year since we will now be one bike short in this family :-)

I’ve written before about my challenges with obstacles. In my journey I’ve learned that self-imposed obstacles are the hardest to overcome. Our mind gets to make up how big and impossible they are. There is no tangible evidence to use against it, as least not until we push past and do it. If you have something you’ve been too afraid (or stubborn) to try, just take a deep breath and go for it.

Truly, it is just like riding a bike :-)

~ Carrie

Breaking Binge: Just the beginning

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m driving my daughter and her friend to gymnastics practice as usual. The entire drive I’m thinking about how much I want to eat something. I want ice cream or chocolate or candy or cookies. Or all of it. And yet I don’t want it. I pull up in front of the gym and the girls pile out. I say a distracted good-bye and head back down the road. I try to resist, but I turn in the direction of town rather than taking the back roads home. If I go through town I can stop at a store and buy something. My brain is on Walmart, but I don’t have time for a ‘normal sized’ binge—I have to buy it, drive home, eat it, and hide the evidence before my husband gets home. Instead, I turn my mind to Walgreens. I can quickly pop in and grab some boxes of candy (they are 4 for $4 after all, don’t want to waste money by purchasing only one). But, really, I don’t want to. I’m gripping the steering wheel with both hands, forcing myself to keep driving straight. I feel the first tear fall as I pass the turn for both Walmart and Walgreens.

I’m crying because it shouldn’t be this hard to not buy something I don’t even want.

I make it home and binging is still on my mind. I think about how I might have time to run down to CVS, which is closer, and still get something. Instead, I grab a protein bar in the hopes that it will curb the craving. It doesn’t help. It’s all that’s on my mind, and I’m practically shaking. I’m consumed with conflicting and hurtful thoughts.

I want it.

I don’t want it.

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t I be stronger than this?

I’m exhausted from thinking about it all the time. I’m exhausted from fighting so hard just to control it. It’s consuming me and I have no control.

That was me on the Friday before Valentine’s Day. I had just been through a three-day heavy binge eating episode. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t find the way out. Over the past year, my average no-binge stretch has been four days. And even on the days that I wasn’t binging, I was eating something I didn’t want to be eating because I knew it hindered my progress. In fact, I was starting to feel/see some of my hard earned progress slip away, and it was killing me. It was taking all my energy just to remain positive.

Welcome to the life of a binge eater.

For those of you who have never been through the pull of a binge, the best way I can describe it is that it’s like an intense itch. I’m talking the kind of itch you’d get from poison ivy, not from a bug bite. When a binge craving hits, it’s all you can think about. It’s an all-consuming itch. You know you’re not supposed to scratch, yet if you do you know there will be instant relief.

I’ve been going through this a long time. I’m battle scarred and exhausted. I keep trying to push forward, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the fight. I’m constantly looking for another way to get ahead of it. But the thing is, most of the ‘help’ out there makes the assumption that a binge craving is like any other craving. That’s like saying poison ivy is the same as a mosquito bite. That I can just rub a bit of Calamine on it and problem solved.

If you look up ways to stop binges, you’ll get a list of suggestions that include:

• get counseling (did that, didn’t help)
• eat the right foods (done this in many different ways, but it never helps for long)
• stay busy (umm... doesn’t help)
• eat only when hungry (myself, and other bingers I’ve talked to, don’t binge when hungry)
• use a distraction such as chewing gum or ice (nope, doesn’t work)
• drink a lot of water when a craving hits (all this does is make me feel sicker than normal after I finish binging)
• emotional corrections, such as focusing on health and not weight and learning to identify triggers (agree and it has helped me stop the emotional F-bombs, but it’s not strong enough to actually stop the binging long-term)

Why hasn’t any of this sound advice worked for me? They all miss one very important factor—I’M NOT IN CONTROL!

My monster is, and he seems to be a lot bigger and stronger than I am. All those techniques listed above (and the myriad of those I didn’t list) don’t work for a hard-core craving.

Let me repeat and bold that—they don’t work for a hard-core craving.

I’m usually not so specific on things because I know not everyone is the same. One of you reading this might be able to say, “But eating healthy works, it did for me!” And that’s great, but I’m going to be blunt here and say that your craving might have been in the bug bite range rather than the poison ivy range. It’s not that I’m saying one is more valid than the other, it’s just that there are too many articles out there telling the binger that they just need to ‘work harder’ to get things under control. But there are not enough articles out there letting the binger know that they are not in control and they need to keep searching for the right tool that will help them regain that control.

The reminder that I’m not in control is what keeps me moving forward and about the only thing that stops me from lighting up all my emotional F-Bombs. It gives me the ability to remind myself that this time I don’t want to quit. So I dust myself off, patch up my wounds, and find a way to get back on my feet.

I’ve been searching for new ways, and I’ve finally found something that is working for me. I’m going to tell you about it with the most sincere hope that it helps you too (for those that need help in this area).

I was scrolling through Pinterest when I saw this pin:

Um, sure. Like it’s that simple.

Despite my disbelief, I clicked on the link and read the article. To summarize the author of the post described how she used Dill Oil to curb cravings that sounded very similar to mine. Now, I’ve used a few Essential Oils, but mostly in diffusing them at night. I do believe that they can sort of work, but I’m not some kind of ‘oil pusher’. Sorry if that sounds bad—I don’t mean for it to, but I’m just trying to make the point that I was skeptical. I mean, really skeptical because I think this lady is a distributor for one of the popular oil brands. It sounded a bit like a late-night infomercial. And we all know that those never rarely work the way they promise.

But I’m desperate and it seemed simple enough to try. Could I really stop my binging just by rubbing some Dill Oil on my wrists each day? I wasn’t sure but decided to find out.

I know some people who sell the Young Living essential oils, so I ordered it up and mixed together a roller bottle with a 1-1 mix of Dill Oil and a carrier oil. I started applying it on Thursday, February 25, 2016. The results so far...

I have not binged AT ALL since I started using the Dill Oil!!!!

Can I get a Woot-Woot!!

I know it may not sound like a long time, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without a binge in over a year. I can’t believe how different I feel, and the change was almost instantaneous. Suddenly, my thoughts weren’t consumed by food. I wouldn’t say that the cravings have magically vanished completely, but the Dill Oil dulls the craving enough for me to be the one in control. When something does ‘sound good’ I can use one of those distraction techniques listed above until it’s gone. In addition, when I do eat something sweet it tastes so much sweeter than it did before I started using the Dill Oil. This past Fun Day I decided to test it a bit. I went to the store and purchased one box of the candy I would typically binge on. I could barely make it through the box it was so sweet.

The only way to describe it is that I feel FREE!  I feel as though I actually have a chance to remain in control.

I don’t think the Dill Oil is a cure all, but so far it’s turned out to be the tool that helps keep me in control rather than my monster. I also have something else queued up that starts later this month as I fear there may still be times when I’ll resort to old behaviors and use my binging as an emotional crutch (such as when I’m really stressed). I’ll keep you informed of my progress once that program has been underway for a bit.

If you binge or have intense cravings that you can’t seem to control, Dill Oil is an inexpensive thing to try. But read the article I linked above first (or do additional research) because Dill Oil is not safe for everyone to use (such as those with epilepsy or who are pregnant). If you don’t know someone who sells Essential Oils, you can private message me for a referral.

If the Dill Oil isn’t for you or doesn’t work, then I hope you find the endurance to keep trying until you find something that does work. This experience has taught me that a spectrum exists, and if you can get the craving down from the poison ivy level to at least a bug bite then you’ve got a chance with an additional support structure! FXB has helped me recover much more quickly than I would have in the past. In just these 15 days I’ve already lost all the weight I’d put on these last few months from my out of control binging. Pre-FXB it would have taken me months to get it back off.

Oh, and in addition to feeling free, I finally feel like ME again. It’s been a long time, and it feels great! I thought I'd leave you with my horoscope from one week after I started using the Dill Oil. I have to say that it's eerily accurate!

~ Carrie

Overexposed

You may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the blog for a while. I’ve been posting quick updates to my Facebook page, and I’ve been keeping up with the Meet My FXB Instructors series, but it’s been 2 months since my last personal blog post. So what’s up with me?

Well, I’ll be honest—I’ve been struggling.

I know that I’m moving in the right direction; however, it’s taken a significant emotional toll on me. I mean, here was this thing that I’ve been hiding for years. This thing that I’ve conditioned myself to be ashamed of. It was the one thing I didn’t want anyone to know about me. The circle of those who were in the know was very small.

While I’ve been blogging about my journey for over a year, I haven’t been open about my Binge Eating Disorder until recently. Suddenly, I’ve put it all out there for anyone to read. I’ve been ripped from my comfortable shadows and thrown into the bright light. 

The best way for me to explain is to ask you to take a moment to consider the one thing in your life you wouldn’t want people to know about. We all have something. Now imagine that everyone found out about it. Kind of scary, right? Yeah, it is.

I’ve never felt so exposed in my life. I didn’t take the proper preparations to deal with how I’d feel after exposing my monster to anyone who wanted to read about it. I felt I was ready to open up and decided to jump for it before I lost the courage. And I was ready. I just wasn’t ready for how it would make me feel afterward.

My mind suddenly became a scary place to be. Everywhere I went I thought, “Have these people read my blog? Do they know about my secret?” The added stress opened the door for my binge monster. Suddenly I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life—wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, author, coach... My binge monster took control while holding a lit F-bomb in each of these areas of my life, ready to throw at the first sign of difficulty.

I needed to regain control, so I’ve had to take a step back. I’ve had to let go of several things so I could put all my energy into not blowing myself up. I shrank away, coming out of my shell only when necessary.

I’ve slowly been getting stronger. It’s become easier for me to say that I have Binge Eating Disorder, even outside of blog posts. A few times I cried as I said the words. Every time my heart raced and my palms got sweaty. And, unfortunately, each time after I said the words I had to fight to not recede back into the shadows.

The thing that has made it possible for me to get to this point is the support I’ve received. So many of you have told me how proud you are of me. How I’ve inspired you. You’ve told me that you want to help. Some of you have spoken loudly without words, using hugs instead.

It’s so interesting to me because while this is the most supported I’ve ever felt, it’s also the most terrified I’ve ever been. I know I have to go through this part of my journey if I want to get to the other side. And I know that I’ll get there. I’m determined if nothing else.

I’m still here. I’m still fighting to regain control. I might be a bit quieter than normal while I endure the pain of exposure, but I’m not going away.

I’ve said it before, yet I don’t feel like I can ever say it enough—thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this support, but every day I’m grateful for it.

~ Carrie

Clarity, Courage, & Endurance

“Please give me the clarity to see the path in front of me, the courage to take it, and the endurance to stay on it.”

This was the prayer I said back in May of 2013 when I first started my leave from Cummins. I was about to embark on a journey that was new to me—a stay at home mom. I was also trying to once and for all find a solution to my health and fitness issues. I couldn’t clearly see the path in front of me at the time, but I knew it was there. I just had to find it, take it, and then stay the course.

For my career, I saw the path before me but I was scared to take it. I had to take a lot of deep breaths, but I found the courage to write and publish my novels. The endurance for me to stay on this path is connected to my courage to even write. It’s still hard to me to say out loud that I’m a published author without it coming out sounding like a question rather than a statement. But I’m getting there.

For my health and fitness, I didn’t see the path at first. I had planned to tackle it on my own, using the knowledge I had gained from all the previous programs I had been a part of. But then one day my husband called to chat and asked me if I had ever considered doing Farrell’s. The call came at a time when I didn’t know how to move forward. Suddenly, my path had been shown to me and I started my 10-week session the next week. I’ve built up my endurance over the last year for the workouts, and I’ve got that down. Most of the time people have to convince me to take a break. It’s the nutrition part that I’ve got to overcome. I have to address my binge eating disorder. I don’t like how it makes me feel, not just physically but emotionally too.

Now I’ve been given another path. A path that I know will help me because I can feel it in my soul. It took me a while to find the courage to take the path, talking myself out of it every other day. But then finally I did it—I reached out and asked for help. If you’ve been following my blog then you might remember that I have difficulty doing that. Now I have to find the endurance to stay honest and true. I have to continue to let go and stop trying to do this alone. I have to trust those around me and let them help me.

Back in 2013 when I first said my little prayer, I thought I was going to be answered with one path. What I’ve discovered is that what lies before me is a series of paths that interconnect. This is now a constant prayer in my life.

With the start of the new year approaching and goals being established, I’d like to extend this prayer to you. Even if you don’t believe in prayer, let me extend it to you as positive energy.

May you all gain clarity to see the path before you, find the courage to take it, and have the endurance to stay on it.

~ Carrie