You may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the blog for a while. I’ve been posting quick updates to my Facebook page, and I’ve been keeping up with the Meet My FXB Instructors series, but it’s been 2 months since my last personal blog post. So what’s up with me?
Well, I’ll be honest—I’ve been struggling.
I know that I’m moving in the right direction; however, it’s taken a significant emotional toll on me. I mean, here was this thing that I’ve been hiding for years. This thing that I’ve conditioned myself to be ashamed of. It was the one thing I didn’t want anyone to know about me. The circle of those who were in the know was very small.
While I’ve been blogging about my journey for over a year, I haven’t been open about my Binge Eating Disorder until recently. Suddenly, I’ve put it all out there for anyone to read. I’ve been ripped from my comfortable shadows and thrown into the bright light.
The best way for me to explain is to ask you to take a moment to consider the one thing in your life you wouldn’t want people to know about. We all have something. Now imagine that everyone found out about it. Kind of scary, right? Yeah, it is.
I’ve never felt so exposed in my life. I didn’t take the proper preparations to deal with how I’d feel after exposing my monster to anyone who wanted to read about it. I felt I was ready to open up and decided to jump for it before I lost the courage. And I was ready. I just wasn’t ready for how it would make me feel afterward.
My mind suddenly became a scary place to be. Everywhere I went I thought, “Have these people read my blog? Do they know about my secret?” The added stress opened the door for my binge monster. Suddenly I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life—wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, author, coach... My binge monster took control while holding a lit F-bomb in each of these areas of my life, ready to throw at the first sign of difficulty.
I needed to regain control, so I’ve had to take a step back. I’ve had to let go of several things so I could put all my energy into not blowing myself up. I shrank away, coming out of my shell only when necessary.
I’ve slowly been getting stronger. It’s become easier for me to say that I have Binge Eating Disorder, even outside of blog posts. A few times I cried as I said the words. Every time my heart raced and my palms got sweaty. And, unfortunately, each time after I said the words I had to fight to not recede back into the shadows.
The thing that has made it possible for me to get to this point is the support I’ve received. So many of you have told me how proud you are of me. How I’ve inspired you. You’ve told me that you want to help. Some of you have spoken loudly without words, using hugs instead.
It’s so interesting to me because while this is the most supported I’ve ever felt, it’s also the most terrified I’ve ever been. I know I have to go through this part of my journey if I want to get to the other side. And I know that I’ll get there. I’m determined if nothing else.
I’m still here. I’m still fighting to regain control. I might be a bit quieter than normal while I endure the pain of exposure, but I’m not going away.
I’ve said it before, yet I don’t feel like I can ever say it enough—thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this support, but every day I’m grateful for it.