Sometimes It’s About What You Gain

I recently finished up my third year at my gym, Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB). Probably the most common question I get is, “Is it still working for you?”

It’s an understandable question, but it’s one I’m not really sure how to answer. Not because I don’t know, but because my answer most likely doesn’t match up with what the person asking had in mind. It’s a gym that advertises in extreme body makeovers. I’m clearly overweight. Logically, people want to know if the program is helping me shed my many unwanted pounds.

Here’s the thing—my answer has nothing to do with pounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I signed up for this program with visions of being ten sizes smaller dancing in my head. I knew I wouldn’t get there in the first 10-week session, but maybe by the end of a full year. Certainly by the end of three years.  But something happened along the way.

I learned I had no clue what I really needed.

I thought I had to lose weight, but what I needed was to get healthy.

I thought I had to eat better, but what I needed was to establish a healthy relationship with food.

I thought I had to be smaller to be an athlete, but what I needed to learn was that I’m already an athlete.

I thought I needed to stop failing, but what I needed was to stop looking for failure.

In nutrition terms, I no longer look at food as my enemy. I don’t analyze every piece of food I put in my mouth. I don’t beat myself up if I eat something that isn’t on the ‘healthy’ side of the food logs. I do still have a tendency to hide some of the things I eat, but I’m working on it. I realized I started hiding what I ate back in my teens, and 30 years of a bad habit is really hard to break.

In physical terms, I now make working out a high priority in my daily schedule. Even above sleep most days (but that’s a topic for a different post). In 2017, I logged the 6th highest number of classes at my gym. Six days a week I’m on that mat, giving my Level 10 best. Another gain for me has been my mindset on how I look at my workouts. My Level 10 may not be the same as others. At the start of this journey, I felt like I was too slow. That my weight was holding me back from giving a higher Level 10. But now I see it differently. I might not get up off the mat as fast as others, but I’m pounding out the same grueling workout as some people who are literally half my size. Think about that. Imagine doing your workout with someone holding on to your back. That’s me. And I’m doing it like a boss.

Do I still want to lose some weight? Absolutely. But I no longer want to lose that weight because I think it’s what I need to be healthy or happy. A while back I posted some reasons I wanted to lose weight. Those are still valid. And it would also be nice because I’m sure my knee would be much happier if it had less weight to support.

So if you want to ask me how the program is working, be prepared to hear an unconventional answer. Because yes, this program continues to not only work for me but surpass my expectations. Not in terms of pounds lost, but in how much I’ve gained—both physically and emotionally. Oh, and in terms of family. I’ve gained so much family.

It’s the start of the year and many people make resolutions to ‘get healthy’ when what they really mean is ‘lose weight’. I challenge you to open your mind to a more broad definition. Get healthy, but don’t just focus on what you want to lose. Look at what you can gain as well because, unfortunately, despite our best efforts there are times when that scale won’t budge. Or it goes in the opposite direction. And then you’re left feeling like it failed, or you failed. But if you look at a bigger picture, you might find you were aiming at the wrong target from the start and you succeeded just fine.

~ Carrie

Let Go and Improve Your Health

Some of you may have been wondering where I’ve been and if my little corner of the blogging world was still active. While I do apologize for that, at the same time I don’t. My whole focus is on getting healthy and remaining in control of my Binge Eating Disorder. I learned a while ago that stress knocks me off my course quickly, so I’ve been putting a lot of effort into reducing the stress in my life. And as a result, my blog posts have suffered recently.

That’s not to say this blog is bad for my health. In many ways it has been the largest catalyst to my success. But there are stresses that come with it. I’ve blogged before about the negative impact of feeling overexposed from sharing my deepest secrets. While I’m doing better in that area, it’s still difficult sometimes. Lately the stress of keeping up this blog has been due to my lack of time. There’s a pressure in trying to remember when to post and what to blog about. Then there’s the time it takes to actually write it up. I’d like to say that these posts write themselves as if they were flowing out of Rita Skeeter’s Quick Quotes Quill (sorry, I’ve been in a Harry Potter frame of mind lately), but the reality is it takes time to get my words out of my head and into a coherent post that’s not too long.

I also hate to say that I’ve been tired for almost a full year now. I’m averaging less than six hours of sleep a night, and my mind wants more than that to function efficiently. I had to change my workout time to an early morning class which meant I had to either sacrifice sleep or time with my family in the evening (since both my husband and daughter are night owls). So far, my family has trumped sleep. I don’t drink caffeine, so that means I’m running on fumes most days. Stress and tired don’t mix well for me and it increases my urges to binge. In addition, creativity doesn’t flourish in a foggy brain. I’m deep in a novel that I really want to get done this year, so I wanted to channel whatever creative mojo I could conjure into the novel. All this meant I had to let a few things go.

But do not fear—I don’t intend to ignore my little blog forever. Right now I’m just choosing to not stress over having to post at specific or regular times. And I figure you might get tired of me just posting sweaty pictures to my Facebook page, so that’s gone a bit dark as well.

In the past I’ve taken big steps to reducing the stress in my life, like cutting off toxic relationships. It was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but I know it was the right thing to do for me in the long run. I’ve also eliminated certain tasks that seem irrelevant, like mailing birthday cards, but the result was a lot less stress in my life. In the birthday card example, I still find a way to say happy birthday, I just don’t have the stress of remembering to buy and mail a card in time so it arrives on the proper date.

Recently I’ve been looking for more little things I can do to reduce my stress and free up some of my time, like unsubscribing to newsletters I don’t read. You might be wondering why it was stressful/time-consuming if I didn’t read them in the first place. Well, they cluttered up my inbox, making it appear I had more items to respond to than I really did. Another thing I’ve started to embrace is bailing on books I’m not enjoying. Reading is not only a favorite pastime—it’s essential for my life as an author. Before this year, I had only ever abandoned 2 books. I’ve had some books where I’d skip parts to get to the end, but I’d almost always finish. For one, I don’t like to quit anything. For two, I always want to give the book a chance to redeem itself in the end. Well, this year I’ve already doubled my ‘did not finish’ count. It can still be a struggle, but I keep telling myself that having a smaller ‘to be read’ pile is more important to me than finishing a book I’m not enjoying.

I encourage you to think through areas of your life where you can let go. It could be big or small—in the end it all adds up to a healthy improvement.

~ Carrie

Breaking Binge: Phase 2

One year ago tomorrow I took a leap on my Operation Breaking Binge journey—and I haven’t binged since!

[moment of pause to jump around and do my happy dance]

I’ll admit the last 12 months haven’t been a walk in the park. I still have cravings, and I have still eaten things outside of my Fun Day that I’d put in my ‘bad’ category. Every time I start to get down on myself for these slight stumbles, I force myself to remember what I was eating prior to February 25, 2016. Those binges were epic and had me in tears. The guilt and shame following were astronomical. I force myself to think back to all the hard work I’ve done this past year, and I remind myself that progress does not mean perfection.

My biggest struggle now is moving on with my nutrition. While I maintain that my journey is not about losing weight, the reality is that I really should lose weight. I’m carrying around a lot of pounds and my body is getting older (i.e. tired). And I think my knee would be happier if I gave it a bit of a break. I had found a no-binging eating pattern that allowed me to maintain my weight for most of the past 12 months. The downside is I became afraid to change anything. I was afraid I might start binging again if I did. The things I’ve been eating have kept me satisfied. Don’t fix what’s not broke, right? And my biggest broken part was the binging, not my weight.

I was sick pretty much November thru January, and I gained a bit of weight due to missing workouts and the medication I was put on. My eating still hasn’t changed, so here I sit at a weight I thought I had told to kiss-off for the last time.

I’ve decided that since I seem to be embedded in superstition on this journey, I’m going to work it to my advantage. On February 25, 2016 I took steps that have led me to a full-year of amazing success. So, tomorrow, February 25, 2017, is the day I embark on Phase 2 of Operation Breaking Binge.

What’s Phase 2, you ask? Well, it looks a bit like this:

Pretty clear, right?

I do know my Phase 2 will focus on nutrition, which has never been my strength. I have excuses out the wazzoo (I don’t like to cook, I have BIG issues with chicken, I don’t like a lot of meat, I don’t—I don’t—I don’t . . .) I know what I ‘should’ eat, but the issue is sticking to it. I haven’t mentioned it much, but a big part of getting this far in Breaking Binge were my sessions with Health Coach Lynn Killips on a process called Immunity to Change. I learned so much about myself and why I eat the way I do thorough this process. But I have to say the most profound thing I learned was when Lynn asked me one very basic question. We were discussing my tendency to place all food into two categories: good or bad. She asked who said these foods were good or bad. I told her it was based on my knowledge of nutrition, which I’ve learned over all my years of trying to get healthy and the various programs I’ve tried.

Then came Lynn’s ground-shaking question:

“How long have you been following these plans?”

As I added up the years, I realized I had been trying to follow one plan or another for about 20 years. And then the true magic of the question hit me—that’s 20 years with no sustainable success (key word being sustainable).

That’s a Long. Damn. Time.

I should point out I’m not condemning nutrition plans/programs. In fact, I have learned so much about not only nutrition, but also about my eating struggles through these various plans. But there’s a reason why some find success through Weight Watchers, and some find it in Jenny Craig. Others only see progress with Paleo, and then there are those who only find happiness with the Beachbody program. And, of course, there are those like me who have fallen in love with the way Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB) has transformed their lives along with their bodies.

The point is that no one person is the same. Plans and programs are great, and often times essential. However, my downfall was that somewhere along the way I started looking at it as being told what I had to do, and if I didn’t do it then I failed. And I think you all know how I feel about failure. I’ve been looking at this as though I have been the one failing for the last 20 years. I wasn’t sticking to plan. I must not have been trying hard enough. Look at all those who did have success—it must be me!

It took Lynn to open my eyes for me to wonder if maybe my lack of sustainable success was due to the fact that I’ve been trying to follow someone else’s plan that doesn’t fit my specific needs. She then pointed out that for months I had been following my own nutrition plan, and while I wasn’t losing weight, I wasn’t gaining it and I wasn’t binging.

I (reluctantly) admit I’m a stubborn person. I think deep down I don’t like people telling me what to do. And I really don’t like failing to meet expectations. It seems pretty clear to me now what I have to change.

The plan is for me to use my nutrition knowledge to build a custom plan that fits my specific needs. One that I can adjust when necessary if I feel an urge to binge sneak up on me. Out of all the programs I’ve been through, I still believe the FXB program is the most right for me.

So wish me luck as I jump in and try to define that elusive Phase 2 within Operation Breaking Binge!

~ Carrie

5 Unsung Benefits of Exercising

I’m sure you’ve read an article or two about the benefits of exercising. Besides the obvious benefits to your health, other perks often mentioned include: going up a flight of stairs without getting winded, having the energy to play with your kids/grandkids/niece/nephew/dog-who-thinks-he’s-a-kid/etc., improved skin, and lower stress.

That’s all great, and I love it. But there are other benefits that are just as important no one’s talking. Well, it’s a good thing you’ve got me. Here are a few of my unsung benefits of exercising.

1) Sing, Sing, Baby

To my daughter’s dismay, I love to sing. Like many others, I perform best in my car. I’ve got the car-jam down by now. However, some songs are a bit trickier than others. Prior to regular exercise, singing/rapping along with artists such as Eminem was usually a lightheaded experience. I either missed half the words as I sucked in air, or I turned into a red-faced balloon as I attempted to reach the lyrical break before taking my next breath. Not such a good thing for my car-based performances. However, regular exercise gave me better endurance. Forget about how increased endurance benefits me going up a flight of stairs—it’s much more fun to not get winded during a wicked rap song. So break out that karaoke machine and take your turn trying to be The Real Slim Shady.

2) Poppin’ a Squat

There comes a time in almost everyone’s life when they are presented with a very difficult choice—hold it until you’re in pain or use the disgusting Port-a-pot/John/loo/whatever-you-call-it. The smell, the unmentionables covering every surface, the lack of sanitizer to dunk your entire body into after usage . . . [shiver] It’s no surprise I’d rather hold it. However, when holding turns into a risk of an embarrassing accident, I go in and hold my breath while attempting to hover. It’s a difficult and scary endeavor. Thankfully, regular exercise has saved my bladder. As mentioned in the first point above, my ability to hold my breath is substantially better so I can suck it in without fear of passing out and falling into the pit. In addition, I have a better ability to hold my squat, regardless if it’s #1 or #2 calling, without touching any of the surfaces.

3) Load It Up

When I get home from a shopping trip, I have this overwhelming need to carry all the bags into the house in one trip. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on this crazy personal shopping challenge (you know who you are). I’m not sure where this compulsion stems from, but it probably has something to do with proving I didn’t really buy that much if I can carry it all in one trip. It’s always been difficult and not without risk. There is usually that one bag that slips slowly down my arm until I’m holding on with nothing but a quivering pinky. But now my arms are solid. I just channel my ISO bicep curl hold and load up. Now all I have to worry about is not nicking the walls as I enter the house fully loaded . . .

4) Pigpen Pride

I went through this difficult hormone struggle a few years ago. One of my many challenges was heat intolerance. Basically, I couldn’t regulate my body temperature. I had to take my showers at night because if I did it in the morning my body temperature would be too elevated while getting ready for work. I’d sweat profusely just walking from my car to my desk. I couldn’t wear coats in the winter or I’d get so hot I’d get light-headed. I’d get so embarrassed whenever I was in a room full of people and felt the sweat run lines down my face and back—just because I was standing still. That particular issue has been resolved (yeah!), but I still sweat when working out. I usually look as though I’ve just finished the She’s a Dream dance from Flash Dance. The difference is now I wear it with pride. I’ve even gone to the store after a workout. How is this a benefit, you might ask? Less embarrassment = better self-confidence. If anyone turns their nose up to me I just smile and say, “You smell that? That’s the smell of my hard work.”

5) Go Ahead, Make My Day

Back in my college days at Purdue, one of my constant possessions was keychain mace. Most girls had them. I often had to walk home at night, sometimes through dimly lit streets, and the mace was a necessary safety precaution. I remember this one time . . . it was late, the street was dark, I was walking home with my finger on the mace trigger as usual. I wasn’t far from my apartment when suddenly I heard rapid footsteps coming toward me from behind. I spun around, mace raised. The poor guy about had a heart attack. He threw up his hands and pointed to my left, telling me he was sorry to scare me and he was going over there. I think he learned a valuable lesson that night—no matter how late you are, never EVER run up behind a girl at night. These days I don’t walk down many dark streets, but when I do I don’t feel the need for my old keychain mace. I’ve got a wicked back-fist. And if that fails, I can spin and finish with my powerful jab-cross.

I hope you have all benefited from these unsung benefits as well. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me some of yours!

~ Carrie

Just Eat the Duds

I recognize I haven’t written about my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) since the start of September. I had promised a regular series called ‘Breaking Binge’ to help you all understand my BED a bit better. My intention had been to post a topic once a month; however, I’ve struggled to keep that pace. Partly because I’m not really sure where to start. The logical part of my brain wants there to be this clear linear progression from point A to point B where I can take you through my journey in a streamlined order. I quickly learned that’s not how this is going to work.

The other reason is pretty simple—it’s still difficult for me to open up about this stuff.

Well, I’ve never let a challenge keep me down for long. It’s time to take a deep breath and dive in.

If you don’t suffer from BED, or know anyone who does, it can be difficult to understand. There are lots of great sites available to explain the symptoms of BED (here’s a good one), but what is it really like? I’ve decided for this series I will select one of the symptoms from the list and take you inside the mind of a binger. My hope is to let those who do suffer know they are not alone while helping those who don’t suffer from it understand why this disorder is so emotionally draining.

Today I’ve selected one of the symptoms I struggle with the most:

• Feelings of extreme guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or how I eat

My Weight

It has taken me a very long time to overcome some of the embarrassment and shame I carry with me about my weight. Being overweight is a difficult vice to have. I can’t hide it from others. It’s there every day, front and center, for anyone to judge. I’ve had hurtful comments said to me and behind my back. I’ve seen the memes people share and like on social media (like the one telling the fat person to stop using the handicap space and just and park at the back of the lot and do jumping jacks on the way in). I’ve had innocent kids ask me, “Why are your arms so big?” It takes a lot to just smile and respond with, “Because I’m so strong.” You don’t have to look far to realize society doesn’t like fat people. We are judged and we are determined to be less than our worth. We are assumed to be lazy and selfish. Why would I not be ashamed of being overweight?

Here’s an example of how embarrassment rules my life at times. A couple years ago I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee with some friends for a fun weekend. The girls decided they wanted to go on his mountainside roller coaster. I got in line with them, but then my chest started to constrict. I felt as though I couldn’t pull in a full lung’s worth of air. My palms started to sweat. It wasn’t because I was scared of the ride. It was because I was scared I wouldn’t fit in the seat. I imagined all the looks of pity and disgust from the other people still in line that would be thrown my way if I tried to get in but didn’t fit. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face that possible embarrassment. Then I was mad at myself for letting my weight hold me back. I cried back at the cabin, but lucky I had been surrounded by amazing friends who helped me let it go—at least for the night.

This panic seizes me often. Squeezing through tight spaces. Turnstiles. Airplane seats. Stadium seating. Movie theater chairs. Really, the thought of having to fit into any kind of chair that contains side arms sends my heart into rapid palpitations.

I’m getting better. The voice that tells me to try is starting to become louder and stronger than the voice that tells me to run. And if I don’t quite fit, I try really hard to not feel ashamed.

What I Eat

The feeling of shame or guilt around what I eat is proving very difficult to overcome. I have this constant list in my head and every food item falls to either the left or the right—good or bad. I stress over it every time I eat. I’ll do a post at some point in the future about my ‘good or bad’ food obsession, but here I want to focus on the feelings of guilt and shame that come with those choices.

Back in May, we drove down to my dad’s house in Louisiana. We wanted to shorten our very long drive as much as possible, so we packed the car with loads of healthy snacks. On the drive back home, I was tired of the same old foods. I wanted something different, so I headed into the convenience store on one of our stops. I’m not exaggerating when I say I took at least 15 minutes, wandering through the store, trying to figure out what I should get. The things I really wanted fell on my ‘bad’ list and I usually would never eat them in front of other people. I stood agonizing in front of the bags of Chex mix when my husband walked over. He looked over my shoulder and said, “Huh, I didn’t know they still made Bugles.” He then snatched a bag and walked off.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to stomp my food and ask why it was so easy for him to just grab that bag of Bugles. Sure, he maybe had a fleeting thought about if they were healthy or not, but the bottom line is he didn’t have to spend 15 minutes agonizing over his decision. And I’m quite certain he didn’t feel guilty about it the entire time he ate them (as I did with my bag of Chex mix). His food choice probably left his mind by the next day. I’m still thinking about it 5 months later.

Another incident happened a couple months ago when I went to the movies. I was on my own, which is fine. I actually don’t mind going to the movies by myself once in a while. It’s good for me to take myself on a date occasionally. Anyway, it was fun day, which meant I didn’t have to feel the guilt of what I would eat. My biggest struggle was if I wanted to eat popcorn or candy. I settled on candy and stopped by the gas station on the way so I didn’t have to play an arm and a leg for a box of Milk Duds. I entered the theater and looked for a seat. I sat down with 3 open chairs to my right and 2 to my left. Two people came in and sat to my right, still leaving one open seat on that side. I was happy—I’m a big girl and movie theater chairs are not always nice to large people. I don’t like feeling as though I need to fold into myself the entire time so I don’t brush shoulders with strangers.

As the lights dimmed, I opened my purse to get my Duds. Before I could pop open the box, a couple sat down in the two empty seats to my left. I froze. I seriously could not eat those damn Milk Duds. I felt the lady next to me would be thinking, “She doesn’t need to eat those. Doesn’t she have any self-control?” It took all my remaining strength to focus on the movie and not the fact that I couldn’t eat my box of Milk Duds just because someone sat down next to me. You see, it’s not a coincidence I waited until the lights dimmed to reach for the box in the first place. I wanted the cover of darkness to hide the fact that I was eating something ‘bad’. But someone sitting right next to me would be able to see, even in the darkness. In my mind, I would be judged. I felt ashamed. I felt I had no right to eat those Duds because I was already too large to be ‘acceptable’.

I analyzed the situation the entire way home while eating my Milk Duds in the privacy of my own car. I had worked hard at the gym all week. I hadn’t binged. I had ‘earned’ that treat, but once again I let my guilt and shame take control of the situation. I allowed myself to believe something that may or may not have been true. I allowed myself to care more about what someone else might think of me rather than what I thought of myself.

I’ve been working really hard at trying to establish a more healthy relationship with food. I know that in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle I need to eat healthy foods. As a result, I will always have to consider the nutritional value of food and whether or not I should eat it. But my hope is that I can get to a point where I don't obsess over it. I need to be able to let go of the guilt and shame. I need to move from “I’m a bad person for eating this.” to “Eating this won’t help me make my goal, so if I do eat it then I need to compensate in another way.”

I have a lot of weight I’d like to lose, but I know the largest weight I carry is from guilt and shame. That has to go first. Then it will be easier for me to focus on the physical pounds I want to shed.

Last night my daughter went through her Halloween candy. She pulled out a small box of Milk Duds and handed it to me. I thought about eating them but put the box down to save for my next fun day. I’d like to say I was making a ‘good’ choice, but the honesty is that I had already had a few small pieces of candy (in private) and I didn’t want to eat them in front anyone. It wasn’t fun day and I technically wasn’t allowed to eat them. A minute or so later, my daughter handed me the box again—opened.

I took it as a sign and I ate the Duds.

~ Carrie

To work out or not work out, that is the question.

Prior to today, I have had the opportunity to work out at FXB a total of 224 days since January 1st. Note: this is days and not workouts, so doubles and FIT Kicks are not included (but I will note that I’ve attended nearly all the FIT Kicks offered this year). Of those 224 days, I have worked out 217 days. Just in case you need help with this complicated math, that’s only 7 days I’ve missed since the start of the year.

Today was #8.

Before I get into why I missed today, I wanted to answer the question I’m often asked: “How do you attend so many days?”

Well, for starters, I don’t travel much. Of the 7 days I missed (prior to today), 3 were for vacation and I worked out in the hotel fitness room each day. Of the remaining 4 days missed: I was in Indy for 2 of the days over New Year’s, another was a Saturday when I had an author fair to attend in Madison, and the last was the day after my daughter had nine 10-year-olds sleep over for her birthday. It’s also important to note I haven’t trained for anything else. No triathlons or half-marathons or extreme obstacle course races. I don’t run or bike on the side. Basically, all my workouts are at FXB and that means I don’t need to keep any reserves in the tank for other activities.

Even so, how do I do it? How do I motivate myself to work out so often? Simple—from my first day at FXB I’ve had one condition:

If I wouldn’t miss work for it, I can’t miss my workout for it.

When I worked outside the home, I was a pretty dependable employee. I rarely missed a day of work, so I figured this would be a good metric for my workouts. As you can see by my numbers, it has served me well. It has forced me to stop and think each time I want to skip a workout. Because there are days I want to skip. I am human, after all. But the expectation I placed on myself since day one makes me stop and consider why I want to miss the workout and if it’s really worth it. It forces me to question whether or not it benefits my long-term goal. If you’ve been around my blog awhile, then you know that a key part of my long-term goal is being able to sustain over time. I knew I needed to draw a line I could stick to for when I could miss a workout. Otherwise, I’d find an excuse to skip every time my eye twitched.

The need to have a sustainable plan is what drove me to skip the workout today. Basically, I needed to acknowledge that my body needed a break. More specifically, my knee needed a break. I might be too stubborn to learn a lesson when I need to sometimes, but at least I’m quick to learn not to make the same mistake a second time. Last year I tried to keep pushing when I hurt my foot, thinking I could just ‘go easy’ during the workouts. That resulted in me having to sit out completely (from everything) for about two weeks. I know my bum knee well enough to know if I push it too hard I’ll be out for a lot longer than just two weeks.

I had to listen to my body and pay attention to the signs. When I had to leave the mat during FIT Kick this past Saturday, I knew it was time to stop being stubborn. So today made day #8 missed during 2016. I also adjusted a few things around the house. For example, I’ve stopped chasing our new puppy up and down the stairs several times a day. Now I just close all the bedroom doors and call to her from downstairs. It’s a good opportunity for me to work on some of her behavioral commands. It also helps that she is now almost fully potty-trained, and I don’t have to worry about her making a mess upstairs without my knowledge.

If you’re struggling with finding the motivation to work out on a regular basis, then here’s my advice:

1. Understand your long-term goal.
2. Acknowledge your weaknesses.
3. Establish a set of realistic expectations to help you achieve your long-term goal.
4. Commit.

Sounds pretty basic, right? Well, I’ve been around this fitness thing long enough to know it sounds a lot easier than it is. Most of us understand we need to eat healthy and work out regularly to maintain a healthy life-style. But that’s easy to forget when we hit a bump in the road. The bumps that say, “It’s OK to miss the workout, right? It won’t hurt anything will it?” Having a line drawn that’s built around your long-term goal and your weaknesses will help you determine if it is OK (or even necessary) to skip the workout. And do it now. Don’t wait for next week or tomorrow. Draw your line now and get to work.

Oh, if it helps you can adopt a motto. Personal mottos are always motivating.

~Carrie

The importance of having a fitness family.

Left: September 13, 2014
Right: September 13, 2016

Over the years, I’ve participated in many different workout programs. I’ve done solo workouts in the home, one-on-one sessions with a personal trainer, and classes at the local gym. Two years ago to the day, I joined Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB). It was a nerve-wracking day for me, and you can read about it here if you haven’t already. Despite my nerves, from that very first day I knew FXB would be like nothing I had experienced before. These were not people who simply worked out together. No, they were much more than that.

They were a family.

In the two years I’ve been at FXB, I’ve learned that having a fitness family is one of the most critical components of being able to sustain progress. Here are just a few resons why I’m so thankful for my FXB family.

They share my sense of fashion.

FXB is the one place where I can feel good about wearing my Spandex. I may not like that it shows off every bump and lump, but wearing it says I came to work. The fact that the vast majority of everyone else is wearing it too makes it even easier.

Beyond the active wear, we also share the same love of accessories—from the headbands to the Fitbits. Oh, and the sweat. Can’t forget about the sweat. At FXB sweat is the new black, and I rock it during every workout!

They speak my language.

It’s important to have someone who you can confide in for all aspects of your life. My non-FXB friends don’t understand my love/hate relationship with Sally. Or why I’m toast after 45 minutes of straight density sets. But my FXB family gets it. They share my lingo. And my pain.

They hug me even when I stink.

I often see a friend as I’m leaving the mat, getting ready to hit their own workout. It always amazes me when they are willing to give me a hug even though every square inch of me is dripping in Liquid Awesome. And to be clear, my form of Liquid Awesome does not smell like roses. My husband and daughter won’t even come within 50 feet of me when I get back from the gym. But my FXB family is willing to get up close and personal even when I’ve got my stink on. Now that’s #Friendship.

They know when to call bullshit.

I may think I’m too tired to push harder. I may think I’m too weak to do my push-ups from my toes. I may not think I can run the rest of the way in. But my FXB family knows better. They know when to call bullshit. And they know how to give me the right kind of motivation to tell my inner voice to shut it.

They always have my back.

No matter what, I know my FXB family will be there to support me. Time and time again, they have shown me they will not let me travel on this journey alone. They help pick me up when I fall down. They keep me focused on what’s important. They give me unconditional support and a never-ending stream of encouragement. I can only hope I am repaying them in kind.

So here’s to you, my wonderful FXB family. I can’t wait to see what the next year will bring!

~Carrie

Operation Breaking Binge: Accepting my Journey

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, then you know I have finally accepted that I have Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and that it will always be a factor in my life. However, accepting the existence of something in my life does not mean I have to accept its control over my life.

I had to find a way to control it. Things were really bad for me at the end of 2015 and the start of 2016. I was binging, on average, every three days. I was miserable—physically and emotionally. My number one priority this year has been finding a way to control my binges, and so I started ‘Operation Breaking Binge’.

Back in March, I posted Operation Breaking Binge: Just the beginning. I told you a little about what it was like to experience one of my cravings. Then I told you how I stumbled across a Pinterest article about curbing sugar cravings (or I should say the article found me because I do believe in such things). I took a break from the blog to focus on controlling those binges, primarily because opening up about something so personal turned out to be a big trigger for my binges.

I think I am finally ready to jump back in and start sharing. I’ve realized that part of the reason I’ve been given this journey is because I need to share my story. I know others have found solace in my words, knowing they were not alone. Others have found inspiration to face their own monster. Others have found a way to better understand someone in their life who suffers from similar challenges.

And I’ve learned that I can’t go through this journey alone.

It’s been almost two years exactly since I had my orientation at Farrel’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB) and started blogging about my journey. Do you remember the title of my very first post? If not, that’s okay. It was:

It’s not about losing weight.

In that post, I talked about how my journey was about learning to love myself no matter what. It was learning to stop defining myself based on my weight. I had made huge progress toward that mindset in the year before I joined FXB, and in the two years since I have only grown stronger in that mindset.

However, what I couldn’t accept two years ago was that my statement “it’s not about losing weight” also encompassed my BED. While I had been able to start separating my weight from my personal worth, I had not considered that I had to separate it from my eating habits as well. I fully believed that if I found a nutrition program I could stick with, then I would lose weight and my binging would just ‘go away.’

I often have people ask me, “Is the program still working for you?” In most cases, I know the real question is, “Are you still losing weight?” Yet, I refuse to answer with pounds lost. Yes, I am losing weight. Yes, I hope to lose more weight because I know that is what is healthy for my body. And, yes, I will soon be posting about the weight loss part of my journey. But weight loss is not what is most important for me at this point in time.

As I stated back in my very first post, what’s important is loving myself no matter what the scale says. After two years at FXB, I can now say what is also important is to not base my worth/success on what I put in my mouth.

I’m still a work in progress. An example is something that happened to me just now while writing this post. You see, I have this bracelet I wear.

I purchased the locket and charms from Origami Owl and made the beaded strands. I’m a visual person, so a long time ago I decided to make this bracelet as a reminder of my progress. The charms signify aspects of my journey: continuous change (infinity symbol) and ultimate transformation (butterfly). The third charm was because I thought it needed some color :) The beaded strands represent pounds lost. One strand for every ten pounds.

I had first made this bracelet before I joined FXB. I had lost about 50 lbs on a different program, only to gain it all back quickly. When I joined FXB, I removed all the strands and started over. I’m now up to four strands (I’ll let you do the math...).

As I sat here typing out the words above about weight not being my primary focus, I looked at my bracelet. I realized it was unintentionally keeping me tethered to weight as my primary success metric. I LOVE adding a new strand to this bracelet. I love wearing it because it reminds me how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. But I just realized the strands should not represent pounds lost. It should represent months of no binging.

It’s time to add two more strands.

So, back to that question above: Is the program still working for me? More than I ever could have hoped.

~Carrie

Just Like Riding a Bike

You’ve all probably heard the phrase, “It’s just like riding a bike.” You may have even said it yourself once or twice. The basic idea behind this idiom is that once you know how to ride a bike, you won’t forget. Even if it’s been years since you last rode a bike, it’s OK—just get back on and have a go. You’ll remember!

As a kid, I loved riding my bike. We had this ‘huge’ hill in our road that was nearly impossible to pedal up, but the ride down was worth it! I take off on my pink and gray Huffy 10-Speed and stay out until my legs couldn’t take any more.

I swear this hill was bigger when I was a kid...

Not my actual bike, but this is what it looked like.

As I got older, my bike riding days became less and less. I wasn’t even a big fan of the stationary bike at the gym. Then back in 2001 I started training for a sprint triathlon and needed to go and get myself a new bike. Even though it had been a few years, I quickly got back into the swing of things. Except for the whole switching gears part. I never did master that well.

I continued to ride after the triathlon, although not on a regular basis. But when I did, I usually put in a good 10-12 miles. And then I gained a whole bunch of weight. I think it’s been at least seven years since I’ve been on my bike. I wasn’t worried that I forgot how to ride, I was worried that I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I told myself:

• I’m too overweight
• I’m too out of shape
• My balance isn’t good enough
• I’d fall and get hurt
• I’d look ridiculous
• I might break my bike

It’s hard to admit to thinking that last one, but I did. When you are as overweight as I have been, unfortunately it is a common thought. Weight limits come to mind and how embarrassing would that be if I tried to ride my bike and bent the wheels? I seriously had visions of either breaking my bike or falling within 10 yards and breaking a bone.

It was best easiest to just avoid it all together.

Then my daughter started asking about going on a bike ride together. I could tell she really wanted someone to ride with her. I just couldn’t bring myself to try, and it was hard to push the shame and guilt away. Luckily for her, my husband jumped on my bike and off they went on rides to the park, to lunch, or nowhere in particular.

And I remained home, wishing I could just get a bit more in shape so I could ride with them.

I’ve been working out hard at FXB for over a year, and it’s been bugging me more and more. I’d pull in the garage and see it hanging there, right in front of where I park, and think, “Soon. I’ll try again soon.” But we all know ‘soon’ is really code for ‘I have no idea when, but it won’t be any time in the near future’.

This morning at the gym I was talking to a couple of my gymmates about self-imposed limits and having the confidence and determination to get past them. During the conversation the image of my bike hanging on the wall came to mind. I told them about it and they both told me to just do it. To get on the bike and ride.

On the way home I decided I was going to do it. I stopped for gas and cat food, giving myself plenty of time to work up the courage. I pulled in the garage and looked at my bike. I took a deep breath and walked right up to it. I aired up the tires and rolled it to the middle of the garage. My heart was beating so fast I might as well have been back in the holding corral of the triathlon. Just as I started to get on, I heard a neighbor rolling in their trash cans. My thought, “Crap. I don’t want anyone to see me do this.” I still had strong images of lying at the end of my driveway, in a pile of my own blood and pebbles embedded into my knees (the joys of the vivid imagination of an author). I also still believed that I’d look ridiculously large on the small frame of my bike and I didn’t want to think of anyone looking at me and feeling the urge to laugh.

Then I reminded myself of the conversation I had this morning and decided I needed to do it. I couldn’t just talk the talk, I had to walk the walk—or bike the bike . . .

I took a deep breath and for an instant I actually thought I wouldn’t be able to get my leg over the seat/frame to straddle the bike. Then I told myself to stop being stupid—I’m in my second year of FXB. Of course I can get my leg up and over the bike. And so I did.

And then I rode. And I did not fall. I passed a lady walking her dog, and I didn’t even think about whether or not I looked ridiculous. I was just so happy I was actually riding my bike. I only rode through my neighborhood, about 0.5 miles, since it was my first time back on and the bike could really use a tune up (and let’s be real, it was also because I had just come from lower body day).

Now I’m determined to get back on and ride farther. Not soon—this week. My daughter is getting a new bike this year, so that’s when mine will go in for a tune-up. I’m determined to be ready for long family bike rides this summer. Looks like I know what we’ll be getting Daddy for Father’s Day this year since we will now be one bike short in this family :-)

I’ve written before about my challenges with obstacles. In my journey I’ve learned that self-imposed obstacles are the hardest to overcome. Our mind gets to make up how big and impossible they are. There is no tangible evidence to use against it, as least not until we push past and do it. If you have something you’ve been too afraid (or stubborn) to try, just take a deep breath and go for it.

Truly, it is just like riding a bike :-)

~ Carrie