Sometimes It’s About What You Gain

I recently finished up my third year at my gym, Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB). Probably the most common question I get is, “Is it still working for you?”

It’s an understandable question, but it’s one I’m not really sure how to answer. Not because I don’t know, but because my answer most likely doesn’t match up with what the person asking had in mind. It’s a gym that advertises in extreme body makeovers. I’m clearly overweight. Logically, people want to know if the program is helping me shed my many unwanted pounds.

Here’s the thing—my answer has nothing to do with pounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I signed up for this program with visions of being ten sizes smaller dancing in my head. I knew I wouldn’t get there in the first 10-week session, but maybe by the end of a full year. Certainly by the end of three years.  But something happened along the way.

I learned I had no clue what I really needed.

I thought I had to lose weight, but what I needed was to get healthy.

I thought I had to eat better, but what I needed was to establish a healthy relationship with food.

I thought I had to be smaller to be an athlete, but what I needed to learn was that I’m already an athlete.

I thought I needed to stop failing, but what I needed was to stop looking for failure.

In nutrition terms, I no longer look at food as my enemy. I don’t analyze every piece of food I put in my mouth. I don’t beat myself up if I eat something that isn’t on the ‘healthy’ side of the food logs. I do still have a tendency to hide some of the things I eat, but I’m working on it. I realized I started hiding what I ate back in my teens, and 30 years of a bad habit is really hard to break.

In physical terms, I now make working out a high priority in my daily schedule. Even above sleep most days (but that’s a topic for a different post). In 2017, I logged the 6th highest number of classes at my gym. Six days a week I’m on that mat, giving my Level 10 best. Another gain for me has been my mindset on how I look at my workouts. My Level 10 may not be the same as others. At the start of this journey, I felt like I was too slow. That my weight was holding me back from giving a higher Level 10. But now I see it differently. I might not get up off the mat as fast as others, but I’m pounding out the same grueling workout as some people who are literally half my size. Think about that. Imagine doing your workout with someone holding on to your back. That’s me. And I’m doing it like a boss.

Do I still want to lose some weight? Absolutely. But I no longer want to lose that weight because I think it’s what I need to be healthy or happy. A while back I posted some reasons I wanted to lose weight. Those are still valid. And it would also be nice because I’m sure my knee would be much happier if it had less weight to support.

So if you want to ask me how the program is working, be prepared to hear an unconventional answer. Because yes, this program continues to not only work for me but surpass my expectations. Not in terms of pounds lost, but in how much I’ve gained—both physically and emotionally. Oh, and in terms of family. I’ve gained so much family.

It’s the start of the year and many people make resolutions to ‘get healthy’ when what they really mean is ‘lose weight’. I challenge you to open your mind to a more broad definition. Get healthy, but don’t just focus on what you want to lose. Look at what you can gain as well because, unfortunately, despite our best efforts there are times when that scale won’t budge. Or it goes in the opposite direction. And then you’re left feeling like it failed, or you failed. But if you look at a bigger picture, you might find you were aiming at the wrong target from the start and you succeeded just fine.

~ Carrie

Just Eat the Duds

I recognize I haven’t written about my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) since the start of September. I had promised a regular series called ‘Breaking Binge’ to help you all understand my BED a bit better. My intention had been to post a topic once a month; however, I’ve struggled to keep that pace. Partly because I’m not really sure where to start. The logical part of my brain wants there to be this clear linear progression from point A to point B where I can take you through my journey in a streamlined order. I quickly learned that’s not how this is going to work.

The other reason is pretty simple—it’s still difficult for me to open up about this stuff.

Well, I’ve never let a challenge keep me down for long. It’s time to take a deep breath and dive in.

If you don’t suffer from BED, or know anyone who does, it can be difficult to understand. There are lots of great sites available to explain the symptoms of BED (here’s a good one), but what is it really like? I’ve decided for this series I will select one of the symptoms from the list and take you inside the mind of a binger. My hope is to let those who do suffer know they are not alone while helping those who don’t suffer from it understand why this disorder is so emotionally draining.

Today I’ve selected one of the symptoms I struggle with the most:

• Feelings of extreme guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or how I eat

My Weight

It has taken me a very long time to overcome some of the embarrassment and shame I carry with me about my weight. Being overweight is a difficult vice to have. I can’t hide it from others. It’s there every day, front and center, for anyone to judge. I’ve had hurtful comments said to me and behind my back. I’ve seen the memes people share and like on social media (like the one telling the fat person to stop using the handicap space and just and park at the back of the lot and do jumping jacks on the way in). I’ve had innocent kids ask me, “Why are your arms so big?” It takes a lot to just smile and respond with, “Because I’m so strong.” You don’t have to look far to realize society doesn’t like fat people. We are judged and we are determined to be less than our worth. We are assumed to be lazy and selfish. Why would I not be ashamed of being overweight?

Here’s an example of how embarrassment rules my life at times. A couple years ago I went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee with some friends for a fun weekend. The girls decided they wanted to go on his mountainside roller coaster. I got in line with them, but then my chest started to constrict. I felt as though I couldn’t pull in a full lung’s worth of air. My palms started to sweat. It wasn’t because I was scared of the ride. It was because I was scared I wouldn’t fit in the seat. I imagined all the looks of pity and disgust from the other people still in line that would be thrown my way if I tried to get in but didn’t fit. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face that possible embarrassment. Then I was mad at myself for letting my weight hold me back. I cried back at the cabin, but lucky I had been surrounded by amazing friends who helped me let it go—at least for the night.

This panic seizes me often. Squeezing through tight spaces. Turnstiles. Airplane seats. Stadium seating. Movie theater chairs. Really, the thought of having to fit into any kind of chair that contains side arms sends my heart into rapid palpitations.

I’m getting better. The voice that tells me to try is starting to become louder and stronger than the voice that tells me to run. And if I don’t quite fit, I try really hard to not feel ashamed.

What I Eat

The feeling of shame or guilt around what I eat is proving very difficult to overcome. I have this constant list in my head and every food item falls to either the left or the right—good or bad. I stress over it every time I eat. I’ll do a post at some point in the future about my ‘good or bad’ food obsession, but here I want to focus on the feelings of guilt and shame that come with those choices.

Back in May, we drove down to my dad’s house in Louisiana. We wanted to shorten our very long drive as much as possible, so we packed the car with loads of healthy snacks. On the drive back home, I was tired of the same old foods. I wanted something different, so I headed into the convenience store on one of our stops. I’m not exaggerating when I say I took at least 15 minutes, wandering through the store, trying to figure out what I should get. The things I really wanted fell on my ‘bad’ list and I usually would never eat them in front of other people. I stood agonizing in front of the bags of Chex mix when my husband walked over. He looked over my shoulder and said, “Huh, I didn’t know they still made Bugles.” He then snatched a bag and walked off.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to stomp my food and ask why it was so easy for him to just grab that bag of Bugles. Sure, he maybe had a fleeting thought about if they were healthy or not, but the bottom line is he didn’t have to spend 15 minutes agonizing over his decision. And I’m quite certain he didn’t feel guilty about it the entire time he ate them (as I did with my bag of Chex mix). His food choice probably left his mind by the next day. I’m still thinking about it 5 months later.

Another incident happened a couple months ago when I went to the movies. I was on my own, which is fine. I actually don’t mind going to the movies by myself once in a while. It’s good for me to take myself on a date occasionally. Anyway, it was fun day, which meant I didn’t have to feel the guilt of what I would eat. My biggest struggle was if I wanted to eat popcorn or candy. I settled on candy and stopped by the gas station on the way so I didn’t have to play an arm and a leg for a box of Milk Duds. I entered the theater and looked for a seat. I sat down with 3 open chairs to my right and 2 to my left. Two people came in and sat to my right, still leaving one open seat on that side. I was happy—I’m a big girl and movie theater chairs are not always nice to large people. I don’t like feeling as though I need to fold into myself the entire time so I don’t brush shoulders with strangers.

As the lights dimmed, I opened my purse to get my Duds. Before I could pop open the box, a couple sat down in the two empty seats to my left. I froze. I seriously could not eat those damn Milk Duds. I felt the lady next to me would be thinking, “She doesn’t need to eat those. Doesn’t she have any self-control?” It took all my remaining strength to focus on the movie and not the fact that I couldn’t eat my box of Milk Duds just because someone sat down next to me. You see, it’s not a coincidence I waited until the lights dimmed to reach for the box in the first place. I wanted the cover of darkness to hide the fact that I was eating something ‘bad’. But someone sitting right next to me would be able to see, even in the darkness. In my mind, I would be judged. I felt ashamed. I felt I had no right to eat those Duds because I was already too large to be ‘acceptable’.

I analyzed the situation the entire way home while eating my Milk Duds in the privacy of my own car. I had worked hard at the gym all week. I hadn’t binged. I had ‘earned’ that treat, but once again I let my guilt and shame take control of the situation. I allowed myself to believe something that may or may not have been true. I allowed myself to care more about what someone else might think of me rather than what I thought of myself.

I’ve been working really hard at trying to establish a more healthy relationship with food. I know that in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle I need to eat healthy foods. As a result, I will always have to consider the nutritional value of food and whether or not I should eat it. But my hope is that I can get to a point where I don't obsess over it. I need to be able to let go of the guilt and shame. I need to move from “I’m a bad person for eating this.” to “Eating this won’t help me make my goal, so if I do eat it then I need to compensate in another way.”

I have a lot of weight I’d like to lose, but I know the largest weight I carry is from guilt and shame. That has to go first. Then it will be easier for me to focus on the physical pounds I want to shed.

Last night my daughter went through her Halloween candy. She pulled out a small box of Milk Duds and handed it to me. I thought about eating them but put the box down to save for my next fun day. I’d like to say I was making a ‘good’ choice, but the honesty is that I had already had a few small pieces of candy (in private) and I didn’t want to eat them in front anyone. It wasn’t fun day and I technically wasn’t allowed to eat them. A minute or so later, my daughter handed me the box again—opened.

I took it as a sign and I ate the Duds.

~ Carrie

Operation Breaking Binge: Accepting my Journey

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, then you know I have finally accepted that I have Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and that it will always be a factor in my life. However, accepting the existence of something in my life does not mean I have to accept its control over my life.

I had to find a way to control it. Things were really bad for me at the end of 2015 and the start of 2016. I was binging, on average, every three days. I was miserable—physically and emotionally. My number one priority this year has been finding a way to control my binges, and so I started ‘Operation Breaking Binge’.

Back in March, I posted Operation Breaking Binge: Just the beginning. I told you a little about what it was like to experience one of my cravings. Then I told you how I stumbled across a Pinterest article about curbing sugar cravings (or I should say the article found me because I do believe in such things). I took a break from the blog to focus on controlling those binges, primarily because opening up about something so personal turned out to be a big trigger for my binges.

I think I am finally ready to jump back in and start sharing. I’ve realized that part of the reason I’ve been given this journey is because I need to share my story. I know others have found solace in my words, knowing they were not alone. Others have found inspiration to face their own monster. Others have found a way to better understand someone in their life who suffers from similar challenges.

And I’ve learned that I can’t go through this journey alone.

It’s been almost two years exactly since I had my orientation at Farrel’s Extreme Bodyshaping (FXB) and started blogging about my journey. Do you remember the title of my very first post? If not, that’s okay. It was:

It’s not about losing weight.

In that post, I talked about how my journey was about learning to love myself no matter what. It was learning to stop defining myself based on my weight. I had made huge progress toward that mindset in the year before I joined FXB, and in the two years since I have only grown stronger in that mindset.

However, what I couldn’t accept two years ago was that my statement “it’s not about losing weight” also encompassed my BED. While I had been able to start separating my weight from my personal worth, I had not considered that I had to separate it from my eating habits as well. I fully believed that if I found a nutrition program I could stick with, then I would lose weight and my binging would just ‘go away.’

I often have people ask me, “Is the program still working for you?” In most cases, I know the real question is, “Are you still losing weight?” Yet, I refuse to answer with pounds lost. Yes, I am losing weight. Yes, I hope to lose more weight because I know that is what is healthy for my body. And, yes, I will soon be posting about the weight loss part of my journey. But weight loss is not what is most important for me at this point in time.

As I stated back in my very first post, what’s important is loving myself no matter what the scale says. After two years at FXB, I can now say what is also important is to not base my worth/success on what I put in my mouth.

I’m still a work in progress. An example is something that happened to me just now while writing this post. You see, I have this bracelet I wear.

I purchased the locket and charms from Origami Owl and made the beaded strands. I’m a visual person, so a long time ago I decided to make this bracelet as a reminder of my progress. The charms signify aspects of my journey: continuous change (infinity symbol) and ultimate transformation (butterfly). The third charm was because I thought it needed some color :) The beaded strands represent pounds lost. One strand for every ten pounds.

I had first made this bracelet before I joined FXB. I had lost about 50 lbs on a different program, only to gain it all back quickly. When I joined FXB, I removed all the strands and started over. I’m now up to four strands (I’ll let you do the math...).

As I sat here typing out the words above about weight not being my primary focus, I looked at my bracelet. I realized it was unintentionally keeping me tethered to weight as my primary success metric. I LOVE adding a new strand to this bracelet. I love wearing it because it reminds me how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. But I just realized the strands should not represent pounds lost. It should represent months of no binging.

It’s time to add two more strands.

So, back to that question above: Is the program still working for me? More than I ever could have hoped.

~Carrie

Breaking Binge: Just the beginning

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m driving my daughter and her friend to gymnastics practice as usual. The entire drive I’m thinking about how much I want to eat something. I want ice cream or chocolate or candy or cookies. Or all of it. And yet I don’t want it. I pull up in front of the gym and the girls pile out. I say a distracted good-bye and head back down the road. I try to resist, but I turn in the direction of town rather than taking the back roads home. If I go through town I can stop at a store and buy something. My brain is on Walmart, but I don’t have time for a ‘normal sized’ binge—I have to buy it, drive home, eat it, and hide the evidence before my husband gets home. Instead, I turn my mind to Walgreens. I can quickly pop in and grab some boxes of candy (they are 4 for $4 after all, don’t want to waste money by purchasing only one). But, really, I don’t want to. I’m gripping the steering wheel with both hands, forcing myself to keep driving straight. I feel the first tear fall as I pass the turn for both Walmart and Walgreens.

I’m crying because it shouldn’t be this hard to not buy something I don’t even want.

I make it home and binging is still on my mind. I think about how I might have time to run down to CVS, which is closer, and still get something. Instead, I grab a protein bar in the hopes that it will curb the craving. It doesn’t help. It’s all that’s on my mind, and I’m practically shaking. I’m consumed with conflicting and hurtful thoughts.

I want it.

I don’t want it.

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t I be stronger than this?

I’m exhausted from thinking about it all the time. I’m exhausted from fighting so hard just to control it. It’s consuming me and I have no control.

That was me on the Friday before Valentine’s Day. I had just been through a three-day heavy binge eating episode. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t find the way out. Over the past year, my average no-binge stretch has been four days. And even on the days that I wasn’t binging, I was eating something I didn’t want to be eating because I knew it hindered my progress. In fact, I was starting to feel/see some of my hard earned progress slip away, and it was killing me. It was taking all my energy just to remain positive.

Welcome to the life of a binge eater.

For those of you who have never been through the pull of a binge, the best way I can describe it is that it’s like an intense itch. I’m talking the kind of itch you’d get from poison ivy, not from a bug bite. When a binge craving hits, it’s all you can think about. It’s an all-consuming itch. You know you’re not supposed to scratch, yet if you do you know there will be instant relief.

I’ve been going through this a long time. I’m battle scarred and exhausted. I keep trying to push forward, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the fight. I’m constantly looking for another way to get ahead of it. But the thing is, most of the ‘help’ out there makes the assumption that a binge craving is like any other craving. That’s like saying poison ivy is the same as a mosquito bite. That I can just rub a bit of Calamine on it and problem solved.

If you look up ways to stop binges, you’ll get a list of suggestions that include:

• get counseling (did that, didn’t help)
• eat the right foods (done this in many different ways, but it never helps for long)
• stay busy (umm... doesn’t help)
• eat only when hungry (myself, and other bingers I’ve talked to, don’t binge when hungry)
• use a distraction such as chewing gum or ice (nope, doesn’t work)
• drink a lot of water when a craving hits (all this does is make me feel sicker than normal after I finish binging)
• emotional corrections, such as focusing on health and not weight and learning to identify triggers (agree and it has helped me stop the emotional F-bombs, but it’s not strong enough to actually stop the binging long-term)

Why hasn’t any of this sound advice worked for me? They all miss one very important factor—I’M NOT IN CONTROL!

My monster is, and he seems to be a lot bigger and stronger than I am. All those techniques listed above (and the myriad of those I didn’t list) don’t work for a hard-core craving.

Let me repeat and bold that—they don’t work for a hard-core craving.

I’m usually not so specific on things because I know not everyone is the same. One of you reading this might be able to say, “But eating healthy works, it did for me!” And that’s great, but I’m going to be blunt here and say that your craving might have been in the bug bite range rather than the poison ivy range. It’s not that I’m saying one is more valid than the other, it’s just that there are too many articles out there telling the binger that they just need to ‘work harder’ to get things under control. But there are not enough articles out there letting the binger know that they are not in control and they need to keep searching for the right tool that will help them regain that control.

The reminder that I’m not in control is what keeps me moving forward and about the only thing that stops me from lighting up all my emotional F-Bombs. It gives me the ability to remind myself that this time I don’t want to quit. So I dust myself off, patch up my wounds, and find a way to get back on my feet.

I’ve been searching for new ways, and I’ve finally found something that is working for me. I’m going to tell you about it with the most sincere hope that it helps you too (for those that need help in this area).

I was scrolling through Pinterest when I saw this pin:

Um, sure. Like it’s that simple.

Despite my disbelief, I clicked on the link and read the article. To summarize the author of the post described how she used Dill Oil to curb cravings that sounded very similar to mine. Now, I’ve used a few Essential Oils, but mostly in diffusing them at night. I do believe that they can sort of work, but I’m not some kind of ‘oil pusher’. Sorry if that sounds bad—I don’t mean for it to, but I’m just trying to make the point that I was skeptical. I mean, really skeptical because I think this lady is a distributor for one of the popular oil brands. It sounded a bit like a late-night infomercial. And we all know that those never rarely work the way they promise.

But I’m desperate and it seemed simple enough to try. Could I really stop my binging just by rubbing some Dill Oil on my wrists each day? I wasn’t sure but decided to find out.

I know some people who sell the Young Living essential oils, so I ordered it up and mixed together a roller bottle with a 1-1 mix of Dill Oil and a carrier oil. I started applying it on Thursday, February 25, 2016. The results so far...

I have not binged AT ALL since I started using the Dill Oil!!!!

Can I get a Woot-Woot!!

I know it may not sound like a long time, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without a binge in over a year. I can’t believe how different I feel, and the change was almost instantaneous. Suddenly, my thoughts weren’t consumed by food. I wouldn’t say that the cravings have magically vanished completely, but the Dill Oil dulls the craving enough for me to be the one in control. When something does ‘sound good’ I can use one of those distraction techniques listed above until it’s gone. In addition, when I do eat something sweet it tastes so much sweeter than it did before I started using the Dill Oil. This past Fun Day I decided to test it a bit. I went to the store and purchased one box of the candy I would typically binge on. I could barely make it through the box it was so sweet.

The only way to describe it is that I feel FREE!  I feel as though I actually have a chance to remain in control.

I don’t think the Dill Oil is a cure all, but so far it’s turned out to be the tool that helps keep me in control rather than my monster. I also have something else queued up that starts later this month as I fear there may still be times when I’ll resort to old behaviors and use my binging as an emotional crutch (such as when I’m really stressed). I’ll keep you informed of my progress once that program has been underway for a bit.

If you binge or have intense cravings that you can’t seem to control, Dill Oil is an inexpensive thing to try. But read the article I linked above first (or do additional research) because Dill Oil is not safe for everyone to use (such as those with epilepsy or who are pregnant). If you don’t know someone who sells Essential Oils, you can private message me for a referral.

If the Dill Oil isn’t for you or doesn’t work, then I hope you find the endurance to keep trying until you find something that does work. This experience has taught me that a spectrum exists, and if you can get the craving down from the poison ivy level to at least a bug bite then you’ve got a chance with an additional support structure! FXB has helped me recover much more quickly than I would have in the past. In just these 15 days I’ve already lost all the weight I’d put on these last few months from my out of control binging. Pre-FXB it would have taken me months to get it back off.

Oh, and in addition to feeling free, I finally feel like ME again. It’s been a long time, and it feels great! I thought I'd leave you with my horoscope from one week after I started using the Dill Oil. I have to say that it's eerily accurate!

~ Carrie

Clarity, Courage, & Endurance

“Please give me the clarity to see the path in front of me, the courage to take it, and the endurance to stay on it.”

This was the prayer I said back in May of 2013 when I first started my leave from Cummins. I was about to embark on a journey that was new to me—a stay at home mom. I was also trying to once and for all find a solution to my health and fitness issues. I couldn’t clearly see the path in front of me at the time, but I knew it was there. I just had to find it, take it, and then stay the course.

For my career, I saw the path before me but I was scared to take it. I had to take a lot of deep breaths, but I found the courage to write and publish my novels. The endurance for me to stay on this path is connected to my courage to even write. It’s still hard to me to say out loud that I’m a published author without it coming out sounding like a question rather than a statement. But I’m getting there.

For my health and fitness, I didn’t see the path at first. I had planned to tackle it on my own, using the knowledge I had gained from all the previous programs I had been a part of. But then one day my husband called to chat and asked me if I had ever considered doing Farrell’s. The call came at a time when I didn’t know how to move forward. Suddenly, my path had been shown to me and I started my 10-week session the next week. I’ve built up my endurance over the last year for the workouts, and I’ve got that down. Most of the time people have to convince me to take a break. It’s the nutrition part that I’ve got to overcome. I have to address my binge eating disorder. I don’t like how it makes me feel, not just physically but emotionally too.

Now I’ve been given another path. A path that I know will help me because I can feel it in my soul. It took me a while to find the courage to take the path, talking myself out of it every other day. But then finally I did it—I reached out and asked for help. If you’ve been following my blog then you might remember that I have difficulty doing that. Now I have to find the endurance to stay honest and true. I have to continue to let go and stop trying to do this alone. I have to trust those around me and let them help me.

Back in 2013 when I first said my little prayer, I thought I was going to be answered with one path. What I’ve discovered is that what lies before me is a series of paths that interconnect. This is now a constant prayer in my life.

With the start of the new year approaching and goals being established, I’d like to extend this prayer to you. Even if you don’t believe in prayer, let me extend it to you as positive energy.

May you all gain clarity to see the path before you, find the courage to take it, and have the endurance to stay on it.

~ Carrie

The path less traveled

A couple months ago I posted about how I was afraid to take time off my workouts so I could recover from an injury to my foot. I thought it was about time I give you an update to let you know the result of this most recent test to my journey.

To briefly recap what happened: at the beginning of August I had spent about 3 days painting my home office (barefoot). My foot was sore after that, and then later in the week I ended up hurting it at the end of a kickboxing session. I kept going to my workouts on a restricted plan, but then hurt it again about a month later. I was forced to take time off of not only workouts, but off most activities that required me to be on my feet a lot. I was scared that the time off would set me back.

I took a full week and a half off my workouts, as well as most activities at home. I then went back to my workouts but just for the resistance training days. After a week of that, I eased back into kickboxing.

I’ve been hesitant to write this post because I don’t want to jinx anything—because that’s how my life rolls. So I won’t tell you how my foot is doing, but I’ll let you come to that conclusion on your own based on my cryptic message here.

Instead, I’ll focus on how I survived this break mentally/emotionally.

When my injury occurred, I was disappointed that it happened so close to the one year mark for me. I wanted to finish out the year strong and log more than the 299 workouts I was able to do. I was on pace to have only missed 3 workouts total in that one year. However, now I see that it was the best time for me to sit out. One of the things I was afraid of was that the time off would give me the excuse to start skipping more days for various reasons. You know those reasons:

• My writing is finally in the groove and I don’t want to stop
• I’m too tired
• I have laundry to do
• It’s too hot
• My eye is twitching
• I have to go to the store
• I have cramps
• Fall TV started and there are only so many hours in a day
• I forgot to charge my Fitbit

The list could go on and on and on . . . But with my rolling over into a new year, I wanted to get back in because I knew I was starting fresh again. It’s motivating to see how many I can log this year. Thankfully, I’m no longer afraid of excuses keeping me off the mat. At least for the next year.

My other fear was that I would suffer a setback. In this case, what I learned is that I need FXB. It’s actually hard for me to type that. I feel like I should be able to sustain my healthy lifestyle on my own. I mean, what if we move? What if the Jedi Master (Erik) and Lindsay move and close up Columbus FXB? What if some day I sustain a larger injury that takes me out completely?

I’ve always been a very independent person. I’ll admit that part of it is because I’m kind of a control freak. I’m working on it, but I suppose it’s good that I’m my own boss now. Because of this desire to control things, I’ve learned to do most things on my own. But for some reason my health and fitness is one area of my life that I can’t seem to maintain control over without help from others.

I know what some of you might be thinking. You’d tell me that I am controlling it. That I was the one who made the decision to sign up for FXB. That I’m the one who made it a point to push myself to 299 workouts in one year, even on the days when I didn’t want to.

I get all that, I do. I even believe it. But the thing is, when that’s not an option I’m still not doing so good. I had these great plans to still workout while I was at home. I have bands. I have free weights. I have a Bowflex machine. Even with all of that, I only worked out a total of 1.5 times in that week and a half that I was off. My nutrition wasn’t great. Then again, it’s not great when I’m going to FXB on a regular basis either. It’s still my struggle point. I’m making progress, but I’ve accepted that it will take me time to get where I want to be.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I figure I can approach this realization in one of two ways.

1) Be disappointed in myself.

This is the most natural path for me. The path is nice and paved. It might be dark and depressing, but I know where it goes. I’ve been down that path so many times before. I could beat myself up for not being strong enough to do this on my own. For being too dependent on a program to achieve my success.

2) Accept that in this journey I will always need help.

This path is less familiar for me, and I haven’t traveled down it often. I live to help others. It’s one of the reasons I write. I get a huge surge of gratitude when someone tells me how much my writing has helped them. I had always felt that the one thing missing in my life was helping others. Now I get to and I’m so blessed. Yet, I don’t like to accept help. I don’t know why. I’ve not analyzed that side of me yet, but I’m sure that some day I will. As a result, I’m not familiar with accepting the fact that in some things I will always need the help of someone else. For me, it’s my health and fitness journey. My monster challenges me when I’m alone (physically or emotionally) and so I suppose my answer is that I can never be alone on this journey. And I have to find a way to be OK with that.

In case you’re wondering, I’m picking the second path. I’m just so thankful to have found a family that is willing to stick by me through the good and the bad.

~ Carrie

My Fear Will Set Me Free

About a month ago I commented on my Facebook page that I had hurt my foot while painting my office. I’ve continued to go to my workouts, with self-imposed restrictions. That meant no:

• running
• jumping
• jumping jacks
• plank jacks
• lunges
• multiple kicks on the left side
• burpees (darn)
• basically anything that would cause me to put pressure on my foot while it was in a flexed position

While my foot has not gotten worse, it has not gotten any better. There were days when I felt as though it was feeling better, only for it to hurt the next day almost as bad as it did on the first day I hurt it. In my last post about obstacles, I mentioned how I didn’t want to let this stop me because I’ve had so many other things thrown in my way lately. I didn’t want one more thing to keep me from my goal.

Well, I’ve come to terms that it’s now time for me to take a break. And I’m so afraid right now. What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid that if I take a break from workouts then I’ll let it become too easy to skip in the future for random reasons.

I’m afraid that the scale will start to tick back in the other direction.

I’m afraid that I’ll let self-doubt start to seep back in.

I’m afraid that I’ll be adding another failure to my long list of F-bombs.

I don’t say these things lightly. I’m truly scared. I’m crying as I type this post. I don’t want to fail again. I don’t want to go back to the way things were before. I’ve been happier with myself over this past year than I have been in a long time.

This morning, my trusted friends voiced their concerns and brought be down to reality. I have been in a form of denial these past few weeks, thinking that I could just push past the injury and everything will be OK so long as I don’t overdo it. But that’s not happening and now it’s time I do the right thing. This fear has been circling me all morning, and then I remembered something.

“Fear is a difficult emotion to overcome. It’s as if it casts a shadow over everything. When you let it take over, it holds you in darkness. It cloaks the bad, but it also transforms the good—making you believe it’s just another demon hiding in the shadows, waiting for the chance to overpower you. Controlling your fear, working with it to move forward, that’s what will set you free.”

~ Kingston’s Promise by Carrie Beckort

I wrote those words above. They are in my second novel, Kingston’s Promise, which I published just over a year ago.

Right now I’m so afraid of failing that I’m letting it cast a shadow over everything. I’m letting it transform what’s good for me (taking a rest) into something bad that I believe will overpower me. I don’t know how I came up with those words I wrote in my novel. I wrote them to help my fictional character Marcus face a tremendous fear. But now I’m thinking it’s possible that they were given to me because someone watching over me knew that I’d need them myself some day.

I realize now that I have to face this fear. A vast majority of my journey is a mental game rather than a physical one. I’ve made significant progress over the last couple years, but the way I’ve reacted to the idea of taking a break has opened my eyes.

If I can’t trust myself, how in the world will I ever be able to make this sustainable?

Because that’s what this is about—trust. I need to trust that I can recover from this. I’ve come to believe that this is just another test that has been thrown down in front of me. I know that I’m never tested with something I can’t overcome, so it’s time to listen.

It’s time I start working with my fear. It’s time to be set free.

The best way I know how to do that is to have a plan. So, here it is:

• I’m not going to go to the gym for the rest of this week or next week. I’ll decide on the following week at that point.
• I’ve set up an ‘immobile’ office so I can elevate my foot while I write.
• I’ve set up alarms to remind me to take ibuprofen and ice my foot regularly.
• I’m going to ask my husband to do the grocery shopping.
• I’m going to skip walking to the bus stop, watching instead from the front door, and hope my daughter will understand.

All of the above will help me stay off my foot for the majority of the day. However, I decided that I still need to figure out how to get some form of a workout in every day. I have bands here at home and we also have a Bowflex machine. I can use that as an alternative to resistance band days and do exercises where I can sit. The real challenge is getting in some form of an aerobic workout. We have an elliptical in our basement, but that’s no good—it will apply too much pressure to my foot. I haven’t been able to find any credible chair dancing routines on the Internet, so that’s out. That leaves me with the Bowflex machine again. It has a rowing feature that I’m just going to have to try using to get a good calorie burn. It won’t be the same as kickboxing, but at least it will be something.

I feel better knowing that I have a plan. I’m still worried about my eating. It hasn’t been 100% lately, and usually when something like this happens I turn to food. I’m just hoping that the fact that I’m supposed to be off my foot will help—because we don’t keep what I want in the house and I won’t be able to go and shop for it!

I’ll take all the positive energy you want to send my way. Thanks for being here to listen.

~ Carrie

Don't Forget to Love the 'Before'

As I approach my 1 year mark at FXB, I’ve been thinking back over not only my FXB journey but also the months before I signed up for the 10-Week Challenge. In addition, I’ve been seeing a lot of social media posts recently from people showing the progress they’ve made on their own health and fitness journeys.

I love seeing how people have been able to transform their lives. I love hearing their confidence and seeing how proud they are of what they’ve accomplished. I love that they can inspire others to want to do the same. For these reasons, I hope to keep seeing these types of posts from others. I also hope to share my own some day.

However, there is one thing that I wish could change. I wish that all of these wonderful people could look at that before picture with as much respect and love for the person it in as they do for the person in the after picture.

Don’t get me wrong—I get it. Anyone who loses weight does so because they felt the weight they were at before wasn’t healthy. Maybe they didn’t like the way they looked. Maybe they didn’t like the way their clothes fit. They lost weight, got healthy, and it feels great! They worked hard and were dedicated to a difficult journey. They have a reason to be proud.

But it seems as though sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in being proud of the person we’ve become that we forget to acknowledge the person we were—or we believe that we have to find fault with the person in the before photo. Because if there was no fault, then why would we have made the change?

I wrote a post a while back about Shooting the Curl. In that post I mentioned that I’ve learned it’s important to remember that we can’t separate out the past from the future. One builds off the other, and they have to be able to coexist to shape the turbulence of the present. If it wasn’t for that person in the before photo, there would be no after photo—the future needs the past to exist.

Almost exactly one year ago, I wrote something for myself. I wrote these words in an effort to help myself achieve an emotionally healthy mindset.

Who I Love the Most

I realized recently that I have one more step to make before my journey can be successful. And it’s huge.

I have to love all the versions of me that have existed.

1) The pre-college me.

This girl was innocent. She was caring and didn’t pass judgment on others. She hung out with various groups of people and respected them even if she didn’t agree with their choices. In return, they never pushed her to do anything she wasn’t comfortable doing. She learned how it felt to fall in love. How it felt to have her heart broken. How it felt to hurt someone who loved her more than she could love in return. She learned how to make decisions that would impact the rest of her life. She learned the value of a true friend.

She was young, beautiful, carefree, smart, funny, athletic, and hard-working.

She’s easy to love. And even though my image of her fades more and more over time, my love for her remains strong.

2) The college me.

This girl. Yeah, this girl had it. She had something about her that made me fall in love with her instantly. She navigated the unknown territory with a hunger in her eyes. She was ready to learn—inside the classroom and out. She made friends quickly. She fell in love with the wrong boy. Then she learned it wasn’t really love. Then she fell in love with the right boy. She worked hard and played hard. She jumped out of planes. She sat in a sea of men and held her own. She challenged herself and others around her. She made people listen and want to talk to her. She made people like her who didn’t really want to. She danced and sang and smiled and laughed.

She was bold, confident, strong, adventurous, and in love with life.

She’s fun to love. My love for her often carries me through the difficult times.

3) The new adult me.

Although I want to call her a girl, she’s really a woman. She was challenged almost from day one of her existence. She had to learn how to not only float in a sea of men, but how to stand out among them. She was told she couldn’t do or know things simply because she was a woman. She started her life without many friends. There were tears. There were questions. But she learned to lean on love. To find her voice and make it strong. She learned how it felt to lose someone so dear. She learned that true friendship didn’t come with strings attached. She learned that life didn’t always go as planned. She started to let insecurities take hold. She internalized comments and let them fester. To survive, she split herself off into two different people—the confident woman inside the office and the insecure woman outside of it.

She was ever changing, unsure of her future, and was often lost. She started to feel she wasn’t good enough.

It’s not that she’s harder to love, but my love for her stems more from sympathy than admiration. I look back on her and want to hold her hand and support her along the way. To be that friend she so desperately needed in the beginning.

4) The adult me.

This woman had to fight. Life was good to her, but it also threw challenges her way. Certain things didn’t go as planned. While her career was successful, her personal life suffered. She felt the effects of depression. She learned what it meant to make difficult decisions. She didn’t always take responsibility for her circumstances. She was let down by some of the people she cared about most in the world. She had to find a way to make herself a priority and deal with the criticisms that came with that choice. She learned that unconditional love did exist, but she still had to fight for it. She learned that there’s a reason for everything, but she may never get the answers she wants. She had to learn anew how to have faith. She lost a lot, but gained just as much. She often looked for the negative. She blamed herself when things didn’t go the way she expected. She felt alone. She felt out of place.

She was a disappointment. She was confused. She was conflicted. She didn’t believe in herself. She believed she lived under a constant shadow of judgment.

She’s been hard to love, and so I haven’t. I won’t go so far as to say that I hate her, but I don’t respect her. I blame her for all my failures and disappointments. For letting go of the person she used to be.

But now I see her for who she truly is.

She’s strong. She’s beautiful. She’s an inspiration. She’s caring. She’s daring. She makes difficult choices and sacrifices for others. She wears her flaws and failures on the outside for everyone to see, and still she walks with her head held high.

I realize now that I love her the most. She was the final phase before I could become the person God wants me to be.

I may be working toward a new life, but I’m no longer working toward a new me.

I love the me that I am.

I’ve decided to share this because I hope that it will help others look at the person in their before photo a bit differently. Don’t be ashamed of who that person was. Love them for having the strength to endure the challenges that formed the person in the after photo.