Just Like Riding a Bike

You’ve all probably heard the phrase, “It’s just like riding a bike.” You may have even said it yourself once or twice. The basic idea behind this idiom is that once you know how to ride a bike, you won’t forget. Even if it’s been years since you last rode a bike, it’s OK—just get back on and have a go. You’ll remember!

As a kid, I loved riding my bike. We had this ‘huge’ hill in our road that was nearly impossible to pedal up, but the ride down was worth it! I take off on my pink and gray Huffy 10-Speed and stay out until my legs couldn’t take any more.

I swear this hill was bigger when I was a kid...

Not my actual bike, but this is what it looked like.

As I got older, my bike riding days became less and less. I wasn’t even a big fan of the stationary bike at the gym. Then back in 2001 I started training for a sprint triathlon and needed to go and get myself a new bike. Even though it had been a few years, I quickly got back into the swing of things. Except for the whole switching gears part. I never did master that well.

I continued to ride after the triathlon, although not on a regular basis. But when I did, I usually put in a good 10-12 miles. And then I gained a whole bunch of weight. I think it’s been at least seven years since I’ve been on my bike. I wasn’t worried that I forgot how to ride, I was worried that I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I told myself:

• I’m too overweight
• I’m too out of shape
• My balance isn’t good enough
• I’d fall and get hurt
• I’d look ridiculous
• I might break my bike

It’s hard to admit to thinking that last one, but I did. When you are as overweight as I have been, unfortunately it is a common thought. Weight limits come to mind and how embarrassing would that be if I tried to ride my bike and bent the wheels? I seriously had visions of either breaking my bike or falling within 10 yards and breaking a bone.

It was best easiest to just avoid it all together.

Then my daughter started asking about going on a bike ride together. I could tell she really wanted someone to ride with her. I just couldn’t bring myself to try, and it was hard to push the shame and guilt away. Luckily for her, my husband jumped on my bike and off they went on rides to the park, to lunch, or nowhere in particular.

And I remained home, wishing I could just get a bit more in shape so I could ride with them.

I’ve been working out hard at FXB for over a year, and it’s been bugging me more and more. I’d pull in the garage and see it hanging there, right in front of where I park, and think, “Soon. I’ll try again soon.” But we all know ‘soon’ is really code for ‘I have no idea when, but it won’t be any time in the near future’.

This morning at the gym I was talking to a couple of my gymmates about self-imposed limits and having the confidence and determination to get past them. During the conversation the image of my bike hanging on the wall came to mind. I told them about it and they both told me to just do it. To get on the bike and ride.

On the way home I decided I was going to do it. I stopped for gas and cat food, giving myself plenty of time to work up the courage. I pulled in the garage and looked at my bike. I took a deep breath and walked right up to it. I aired up the tires and rolled it to the middle of the garage. My heart was beating so fast I might as well have been back in the holding corral of the triathlon. Just as I started to get on, I heard a neighbor rolling in their trash cans. My thought, “Crap. I don’t want anyone to see me do this.” I still had strong images of lying at the end of my driveway, in a pile of my own blood and pebbles embedded into my knees (the joys of the vivid imagination of an author). I also still believed that I’d look ridiculously large on the small frame of my bike and I didn’t want to think of anyone looking at me and feeling the urge to laugh.

Then I reminded myself of the conversation I had this morning and decided I needed to do it. I couldn’t just talk the talk, I had to walk the walk—or bike the bike . . .

I took a deep breath and for an instant I actually thought I wouldn’t be able to get my leg over the seat/frame to straddle the bike. Then I told myself to stop being stupid—I’m in my second year of FXB. Of course I can get my leg up and over the bike. And so I did.

And then I rode. And I did not fall. I passed a lady walking her dog, and I didn’t even think about whether or not I looked ridiculous. I was just so happy I was actually riding my bike. I only rode through my neighborhood, about 0.5 miles, since it was my first time back on and the bike could really use a tune up (and let’s be real, it was also because I had just come from lower body day).

Now I’m determined to get back on and ride farther. Not soon—this week. My daughter is getting a new bike this year, so that’s when mine will go in for a tune-up. I’m determined to be ready for long family bike rides this summer. Looks like I know what we’ll be getting Daddy for Father’s Day this year since we will now be one bike short in this family :-)

I’ve written before about my challenges with obstacles. In my journey I’ve learned that self-imposed obstacles are the hardest to overcome. Our mind gets to make up how big and impossible they are. There is no tangible evidence to use against it, as least not until we push past and do it. If you have something you’ve been too afraid (or stubborn) to try, just take a deep breath and go for it.

Truly, it is just like riding a bike :-)

~ Carrie

Breaking Binge: Just the beginning

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m driving my daughter and her friend to gymnastics practice as usual. The entire drive I’m thinking about how much I want to eat something. I want ice cream or chocolate or candy or cookies. Or all of it. And yet I don’t want it. I pull up in front of the gym and the girls pile out. I say a distracted good-bye and head back down the road. I try to resist, but I turn in the direction of town rather than taking the back roads home. If I go through town I can stop at a store and buy something. My brain is on Walmart, but I don’t have time for a ‘normal sized’ binge—I have to buy it, drive home, eat it, and hide the evidence before my husband gets home. Instead, I turn my mind to Walgreens. I can quickly pop in and grab some boxes of candy (they are 4 for $4 after all, don’t want to waste money by purchasing only one). But, really, I don’t want to. I’m gripping the steering wheel with both hands, forcing myself to keep driving straight. I feel the first tear fall as I pass the turn for both Walmart and Walgreens.

I’m crying because it shouldn’t be this hard to not buy something I don’t even want.

I make it home and binging is still on my mind. I think about how I might have time to run down to CVS, which is closer, and still get something. Instead, I grab a protein bar in the hopes that it will curb the craving. It doesn’t help. It’s all that’s on my mind, and I’m practically shaking. I’m consumed with conflicting and hurtful thoughts.

I want it.

I don’t want it.

Why is it so hard?

Why can’t I be stronger than this?

I’m exhausted from thinking about it all the time. I’m exhausted from fighting so hard just to control it. It’s consuming me and I have no control.

That was me on the Friday before Valentine’s Day. I had just been through a three-day heavy binge eating episode. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t find the way out. Over the past year, my average no-binge stretch has been four days. And even on the days that I wasn’t binging, I was eating something I didn’t want to be eating because I knew it hindered my progress. In fact, I was starting to feel/see some of my hard earned progress slip away, and it was killing me. It was taking all my energy just to remain positive.

Welcome to the life of a binge eater.

For those of you who have never been through the pull of a binge, the best way I can describe it is that it’s like an intense itch. I’m talking the kind of itch you’d get from poison ivy, not from a bug bite. When a binge craving hits, it’s all you can think about. It’s an all-consuming itch. You know you’re not supposed to scratch, yet if you do you know there will be instant relief.

I’ve been going through this a long time. I’m battle scarred and exhausted. I keep trying to push forward, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the fight. I’m constantly looking for another way to get ahead of it. But the thing is, most of the ‘help’ out there makes the assumption that a binge craving is like any other craving. That’s like saying poison ivy is the same as a mosquito bite. That I can just rub a bit of Calamine on it and problem solved.

If you look up ways to stop binges, you’ll get a list of suggestions that include:

• get counseling (did that, didn’t help)
• eat the right foods (done this in many different ways, but it never helps for long)
• stay busy (umm... doesn’t help)
• eat only when hungry (myself, and other bingers I’ve talked to, don’t binge when hungry)
• use a distraction such as chewing gum or ice (nope, doesn’t work)
• drink a lot of water when a craving hits (all this does is make me feel sicker than normal after I finish binging)
• emotional corrections, such as focusing on health and not weight and learning to identify triggers (agree and it has helped me stop the emotional F-bombs, but it’s not strong enough to actually stop the binging long-term)

Why hasn’t any of this sound advice worked for me? They all miss one very important factor—I’M NOT IN CONTROL!

My monster is, and he seems to be a lot bigger and stronger than I am. All those techniques listed above (and the myriad of those I didn’t list) don’t work for a hard-core craving.

Let me repeat and bold that—they don’t work for a hard-core craving.

I’m usually not so specific on things because I know not everyone is the same. One of you reading this might be able to say, “But eating healthy works, it did for me!” And that’s great, but I’m going to be blunt here and say that your craving might have been in the bug bite range rather than the poison ivy range. It’s not that I’m saying one is more valid than the other, it’s just that there are too many articles out there telling the binger that they just need to ‘work harder’ to get things under control. But there are not enough articles out there letting the binger know that they are not in control and they need to keep searching for the right tool that will help them regain that control.

The reminder that I’m not in control is what keeps me moving forward and about the only thing that stops me from lighting up all my emotional F-Bombs. It gives me the ability to remind myself that this time I don’t want to quit. So I dust myself off, patch up my wounds, and find a way to get back on my feet.

I’ve been searching for new ways, and I’ve finally found something that is working for me. I’m going to tell you about it with the most sincere hope that it helps you too (for those that need help in this area).

I was scrolling through Pinterest when I saw this pin:

Um, sure. Like it’s that simple.

Despite my disbelief, I clicked on the link and read the article. To summarize the author of the post described how she used Dill Oil to curb cravings that sounded very similar to mine. Now, I’ve used a few Essential Oils, but mostly in diffusing them at night. I do believe that they can sort of work, but I’m not some kind of ‘oil pusher’. Sorry if that sounds bad—I don’t mean for it to, but I’m just trying to make the point that I was skeptical. I mean, really skeptical because I think this lady is a distributor for one of the popular oil brands. It sounded a bit like a late-night infomercial. And we all know that those never rarely work the way they promise.

But I’m desperate and it seemed simple enough to try. Could I really stop my binging just by rubbing some Dill Oil on my wrists each day? I wasn’t sure but decided to find out.

I know some people who sell the Young Living essential oils, so I ordered it up and mixed together a roller bottle with a 1-1 mix of Dill Oil and a carrier oil. I started applying it on Thursday, February 25, 2016. The results so far...

I have not binged AT ALL since I started using the Dill Oil!!!!

Can I get a Woot-Woot!!

I know it may not sound like a long time, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without a binge in over a year. I can’t believe how different I feel, and the change was almost instantaneous. Suddenly, my thoughts weren’t consumed by food. I wouldn’t say that the cravings have magically vanished completely, but the Dill Oil dulls the craving enough for me to be the one in control. When something does ‘sound good’ I can use one of those distraction techniques listed above until it’s gone. In addition, when I do eat something sweet it tastes so much sweeter than it did before I started using the Dill Oil. This past Fun Day I decided to test it a bit. I went to the store and purchased one box of the candy I would typically binge on. I could barely make it through the box it was so sweet.

The only way to describe it is that I feel FREE!  I feel as though I actually have a chance to remain in control.

I don’t think the Dill Oil is a cure all, but so far it’s turned out to be the tool that helps keep me in control rather than my monster. I also have something else queued up that starts later this month as I fear there may still be times when I’ll resort to old behaviors and use my binging as an emotional crutch (such as when I’m really stressed). I’ll keep you informed of my progress once that program has been underway for a bit.

If you binge or have intense cravings that you can’t seem to control, Dill Oil is an inexpensive thing to try. But read the article I linked above first (or do additional research) because Dill Oil is not safe for everyone to use (such as those with epilepsy or who are pregnant). If you don’t know someone who sells Essential Oils, you can private message me for a referral.

If the Dill Oil isn’t for you or doesn’t work, then I hope you find the endurance to keep trying until you find something that does work. This experience has taught me that a spectrum exists, and if you can get the craving down from the poison ivy level to at least a bug bite then you’ve got a chance with an additional support structure! FXB has helped me recover much more quickly than I would have in the past. In just these 15 days I’ve already lost all the weight I’d put on these last few months from my out of control binging. Pre-FXB it would have taken me months to get it back off.

Oh, and in addition to feeling free, I finally feel like ME again. It’s been a long time, and it feels great! I thought I'd leave you with my horoscope from one week after I started using the Dill Oil. I have to say that it's eerily accurate!

~ Carrie

Meet my FXB Instructors: DJ Thunder

DJ Thunder: a.k.a. Andie

When someone says “DJ”, most people think of a disc jockey—you know, the kind you’d find at the radio station, in a club, or at a wedding. A few of you that attend the Columbus FXB location might think of a certain instructor named DJ, but it’s not his turn yet (I can’t give him a nickname that includes his actual name . . . that’d be too obvious). A few of you cool kids might be thinking of this DJ:

In Andie’s case, I’m talking about the kind of DJ you’d find in a club. My research shows that the characteristics of a good DJ can be boiled down into two primary categories:

1) Music

A good DJ not only puts out a great musical mix, but they are also willing to take a few calculated risks. Like most of our instructors, Andie can pump out a good mix for the workouts. However, she’s the first instructor that I’ve had put on Buffett during kickboxing (at an amped up pace of course). While it was a bit distracting—I wasn’t sure if I should be kickin’ the bag or back with a margarita—it certainly energized the group. I mean, it’s kind of impossible to not smile at a Buffett song. She doesn’t stop at Buffett either. She can throw together the most random of songs, at least from a workout perspective. From Margaritaville to What does the Fox Say, somehow Andie makes it all work.

2) Crowds

A good DJ is able to energize a crowd. They perform with gusto and aren’t shy about engaging with their peeps. All of our instructors walk the mat during the kickboxing classes and are energetic—that’s one of the reasons why they’re instructors after all. But Andie takes the challenge to the next level. She engages in a way that sets her apart from most instructors. Her level of energy is not frantic or overpowering. It’s set at the perfect level for Level 10 motivation. She also engages by doing things such as running from one set of feet down in a six-inch leg lift to another, pushing them even lower.

That covers the DJ aspect of my nickname for Andie. What about the Thunder, you ask? Well, for those who do not have the privilege of attending an FXB location, ‘thunder’ is what we call the sound made by kicking the bag.

BOOM!

Andie has this unique ability to make people want to bring down the thunder. In an Andie led kickboxing class, the thunder can be heard loud and clear even near the end of the 45 minutes—the point at which many people are barely clearing the base of the bag in any non-Andie led class. This ability probably stems from the whole crowd engaging talent I mentioned above. It could also have something to do with her ability to inspire thunder through her own demonstration:

It’s like thunder and lightening. The way you kick the bag is frightening . . . Sorry, whenever I hear or say the word ‘thunder’ Knock on Wood gets stuck in my head! And I think this last pic of Andie is kind of appropriate for Amii Stewart’s video for the song!

Thanks, DJ Thunder, for keepin’ the crowd performing at a Level 10!

~ Carrie

Overexposed

You may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the blog for a while. I’ve been posting quick updates to my Facebook page, and I’ve been keeping up with the Meet My FXB Instructors series, but it’s been 2 months since my last personal blog post. So what’s up with me?

Well, I’ll be honest—I’ve been struggling.

I know that I’m moving in the right direction; however, it’s taken a significant emotional toll on me. I mean, here was this thing that I’ve been hiding for years. This thing that I’ve conditioned myself to be ashamed of. It was the one thing I didn’t want anyone to know about me. The circle of those who were in the know was very small.

While I’ve been blogging about my journey for over a year, I haven’t been open about my Binge Eating Disorder until recently. Suddenly, I’ve put it all out there for anyone to read. I’ve been ripped from my comfortable shadows and thrown into the bright light. 

The best way for me to explain is to ask you to take a moment to consider the one thing in your life you wouldn’t want people to know about. We all have something. Now imagine that everyone found out about it. Kind of scary, right? Yeah, it is.

I’ve never felt so exposed in my life. I didn’t take the proper preparations to deal with how I’d feel after exposing my monster to anyone who wanted to read about it. I felt I was ready to open up and decided to jump for it before I lost the courage. And I was ready. I just wasn’t ready for how it would make me feel afterward.

My mind suddenly became a scary place to be. Everywhere I went I thought, “Have these people read my blog? Do they know about my secret?” The added stress opened the door for my binge monster. Suddenly I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life—wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, author, coach... My binge monster took control while holding a lit F-bomb in each of these areas of my life, ready to throw at the first sign of difficulty.

I needed to regain control, so I’ve had to take a step back. I’ve had to let go of several things so I could put all my energy into not blowing myself up. I shrank away, coming out of my shell only when necessary.

I’ve slowly been getting stronger. It’s become easier for me to say that I have Binge Eating Disorder, even outside of blog posts. A few times I cried as I said the words. Every time my heart raced and my palms got sweaty. And, unfortunately, each time after I said the words I had to fight to not recede back into the shadows.

The thing that has made it possible for me to get to this point is the support I’ve received. So many of you have told me how proud you are of me. How I’ve inspired you. You’ve told me that you want to help. Some of you have spoken loudly without words, using hugs instead.

It’s so interesting to me because while this is the most supported I’ve ever felt, it’s also the most terrified I’ve ever been. I know I have to go through this part of my journey if I want to get to the other side. And I know that I’ll get there. I’m determined if nothing else.

I’m still here. I’m still fighting to regain control. I might be a bit quieter than normal while I endure the pain of exposure, but I’m not going away.

I’ve said it before, yet I don’t feel like I can ever say it enough—thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this support, but every day I’m grateful for it.

~ Carrie

Meet my FXB Instructors: Hook

Hook: a.k.a. Jess N.

I’ll start by saying that I’m writing this post with mixed emotions. I had intended to ‘showcase’ Jess this month, but I didn’t know at the time it would be as a farewell post. Today was the last official day Jess will be instructing at FXB - Columbus (I say ‘official’ because she says she’ll be back from time to time). She’s only moving over to FXB - B-town, but since I never get over there she may as well be moving to Nebraska. In the short time I’ve known Jess, she has become a dear friend. She is an amazing person who makes me smile from my face to my heart to my soul. I will truly miss walking into the gym and seeing Jess standing at the counter in the midst of some animated story. While this may be a farewell from FXB - Columbus, it’s not a farewell from my life! Love you, Jess.

Now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, let’s break down the Hook.

The most obvious reason I’d call Jess Hook is because she delivers one kick-a punch. There is no way I’d want to be the bag in one of her workouts! But that’s not the reason for her nickname.

The first time I had Jess for an instructor, this is what she looked like:

It was the first Freaky Friday I had experienced at FXB, and Jess made a very convincing (and intimidating) pirate. I remember thinking, “Man, she even added a killer tattoo to complete the look!” It wasn’t until I had her as an instructor for a non-Freaky Friday class that I realized the tattoo was all Jess. I knew then and there that she was a true pirate at heart.

But it wasn’t just my first impression or her tattoo that solidified her name. Let’s look at my research about pirates. If you’ve been following along on these posts, you should know where I’ve gone for justification: urbandictionary.com (as always, click on the link at the risk of your innocent sensibilities). According to the top definition:

The Pirate is an oft misunderstood individual who can be seen absolutely pwning everyone around him/her. Well versed in the arts of cheekiness, deceit, extortion(sp), theft, blackmail, smarmery, and crazy acrobatic sword and or knife fighting. The pirate always lands on his feet, and always wins, even when you think not. naturally hates the ninja, as ninjas are overated far too serious for their own good. 

Uh, oh. The Ninja better watch out! They appear to be good friends, but maybe it’s really a ‘keep your enemies closer’ kind of thing . . . I see that look, Brittany!

Anyway, for those who don’t know what ‘pwning’ means (this would be me—I thought maybe it was a typo), here you go:

Pwn is a leetspeak slang term derived from the verb own, as meaning to appropriate or to conquer to gain ownership. The term implies domination or humiliation of a rival, used primarily in the Internet-based video game culture to taunt an opponent who has just been soundly defeated

OK, so let’s pull out all of these ‘facts’:

• Pwning - I don’t think anyone will argue that Jess dominates the mat when she’s in da’ house.
• Cheekiness - Only someone as cheeky as Jess could have her own hashtag: #CuzJess.
• Deceit - There are times when Jess acts as though she’s sorry for making everyone work so hard. #NotBuyingIt
• Extortion - Jess is a master at extorting a Level 10 out of her class!
• Theft - See entire section below
• Blackmail - “Give me a Level 10 or I’ll make you do burpees till you puke!” OK, so she’s never said anything like that. But she could totally pull it off!
• Swarmery - I’ll be honest, I have no idea what this is. But it sounds like something Jess might have.
• Crazy Acrobatic Sword and/or Knife Fighting - I think she saves this for her fans at home.

Above I promised you an entire section on theft. Her ability to steal is the primary reason for naming Jess Hook. So, what does she steal?

Your Breath

A Jess class is far from easy, no matter if it’s kickboxing or bands. She pushes you to work hard, making you fight for every breath in the process.

Your Bands

Jess has a natural way of encouraging people to band up to that next color.

Your Excuses

In addition to instructing, Jess is an amazing coach. She has this ability to practically see into your soul, and in the process she helps you strip away your excuses for why you can’t progress.

Your Scale

If you’re too dependent on the number on the scale, she’ll steal the source of negative information right out from under your feet. Just ask Steven.

Your Friends

Speaking of Steven, she’ll even steal your friends!

Aye, we will all miss Hook. But a new treasure awaits her in B-Town. I just hope they know what they are in for . . .

~ Carrie